Monday, April 27, 2009

Hey kids, it's time for This Week in News


-President Barack Obama held his 100th press conference this week. To give you an idea of the event’s significances that is one press conference for every one of Joe Biden’s hair plugs.

-A lot of controversy this week over Obama’s decision to release CIA memos on the torture procedures of high level detainees. A spokesman for the CIA said that while water-boarding might seem cruel, it is far more humane than their original interrogation method, forcing them to watch Matthew McConaughey movies.

-Former Vice-President Dick Chaney this week defended his criticisms of Barack Obama, saying that if he feels that he has a “moral obligation” to talk about certain subjects. Unless of course one of those subjects is the details about the time he got drunk and shot that guy in the face.

-A judge this week ruled that former Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich, could not take part in a new reality series. While travel restrictions would prevent Blagojevich, from taking part in the NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity; Get Me Out of Here,” he would allow him to be part of the new reality show, “I’m a Douche Bag; Send Me to Prison.”

-The series would have made Blagojevich, the most hated person on network television, until it was announced that Heidi and Spence of “The Hills” would be joining the cast.

-A senior aid to John McCain called the GOP, “a shrinking entity.” When asked how they could prevent the party from shrinking further, 72-year-old McCain said that from personal experience, he finds Cialis usually does the job.

-California Governor Arnold Schartenager announced that he would be filming a small scene in the new Terminator movie. In weird twist Schartenager plays a POLITICIAN who goes into ACTING, and as it turns out, isn’t really good at either.

“Next question, uh…yes, you the kid who throws like a queer.”

-First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a question and answer session at the White House’s annual Bring Your Child to Work Day luncheon. The most common question the first lady received was, “How do you like the new White House Dog?” While the second most popular question was, “Seriously what’s with Joe Biden’s plugs?”

The event was for the most part a light hearted affair, until one child asked the First Lady about her husband’s decision to release classified CIA memos, at which point the 8-year-old was tasered by Secret Service, subdued, removed from the facility and then never heard from again.

-FiancĂ© of accused Craigslist killer, Philip Markoff, continues to proclaim his innocence and says she plans on going forward with the wedding. Because if there’s one guy who knows the meaning of “till death do you part, it’s the Craigslist killer.
For all those interested, the couple is registered everywhere, but Craigslist.

-A Bronx teacher locked himself in a classroom and threatened to blow up the school after a fight with the principal. Oh I’m sorry, that’s actually the plot to High School Musical 4.

-Catholic League president William Donohue says he was outraged after Cosmopolitan advice columnist Nicole Beland, that it sometimes takes years to undo sexually repressive damage caused by years of exposure to Catholic-school nuns. An enraged Donohue said, "It would never occur to Beland that a woman who is sexually repressed might have been molested growing up," You’re right Bill. She might have been molested growing up. And if anybody is the authority on child molestation, it’s the Catholic Church.

-In New York City, some parents were upset to find out that due to lack of space, some children in will have to go on a wait list before registering for kindergarten. Parents shouldn’t worry too much though, because as soon as the economy completely collapses we’re going right back to child labor!

-Madlyn Primoff, a mother in White Plains, NY pulled her car over and left her kids, on the side of the road 3 miles from home, after they wouldn’t behave in the car. After she was arrest by police for child negligence, Primoff said, “Oh yeah, that’s why people don’t ACTUALLY do that.”

Business: American Express reported that their net income is down 56 percent from last year. If the company continues to lose money they plan on changing their slogan from, “Don’t leave home without it.” to “Hey, where’s my home?”

Profits for software giant Microsoft have fallen for the first time in 23 Years. Microsoft chairman Bill Gates proclaimed it a temporary set-back, and that the company would start running much smoother as soon as he presses “control, alt, delete.”

Local Yocals:
-A woman in Tampa, Florida was surprised to find an 11 foot, 400 pound alligator parked on her stoop. The woman said she was scared at first, but was relieved when you she found out the gator wasn’t a Jehovah’s witness.

“While he always considered loyal to the Death Star,
Kyle just couldn’t agree with Lord Vader’s
“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell."

-A Scottish police officer who considers herself a Jedi Knight, (as in the movie Star Wars), claims she uses Jedi mind tricks to get suspects to confess their crimes. It should be noted, however, that most of her Jedi mind tricks consist of boring people with Star Wars trivia.

-Bette Calman, an 83 year old Australian woman is the world’s oldest Yoga instructor, teaching up to 11 classes a week. When asked why at 83, she would continue to do yoga, she said that she needed to get in shape for this summer so she could start pitching for the Yankees.
Actually Calman, said she does it because “it’s good for sex. Just kidding.” Then she laughed and broke her hip.

Entertainment: -Comedian Dane Cook appeared on Larry King Live to discuss his ongoing legal battle with his half brother. While acting as Cook’s manager, his brother embezzled more than three million dollars. And to make matters worst, it turns out he stole the idea from another comedian’s manager

-Gossip magazines are reporting that former playboy playmate and Baywatch star Pamela Anderson is living in a trailer park. Well I’m not going to have sex with her NOW!

-There’s rumor circulating that American Idol’s 4th judge, Kara Dioguardi, is thinking of quitting the show after her first season. When he heard the news, former American Idol co-host Brian Dunkleman popped his head out of a trashcan and said, “Think it over!”

-This week, ABC announced that their long running sitcom, “According to Jim,” will not be returning next season. After hearing the news Jim Belushi, star of the program said, “Wow, is that show still on the air?”

-ABC’s new drama, “The Unusuals” used stock footage on New York City that featured a pre 9/11, World Trade Center. Producers for the show apologized and said that they would immediately remove any unsightly footage from future episodes. NBC followed suit removing its unsightly footage by canceling Knight Rider.

-Due to constant smoke at her concerts, Britney Spears has purchased a $28,000 high-tech oxygen chamber. Handlers for Britney say that the chamber will cleanse her lungs, increase her oxygen intake, and hopefully suck the crazy out of her brain.

-A team of scientists in England, recently built a new echo friendly automobile. The car runs on chocolate, with parts of the body made out of potatoes, flax fiber and a steering wheel made out of carrots. People in the auto industry say that the car should be very popular with people who are environmentally conscious, but not in a hurry to lose their virginity.

-A team of scientists in South Korea have found a way to breed dogs that can glow in the dark. When asked what prompted the experiments, the scientist explained, “there’s a number of very logical and worthwhile explanations for glow-in-the-dark dogs, none of which have anything to do with making it easier to catch and eat dogs at night.”

Sports: -It was revealed this week that two prospects for the 2009 NFL draft, tested positive for marijuana during February's NFL scouting combine. NFL officials suspected there was a problem when one of the players caught a touch down pass and then celebrated by staring at his hands for 2 hours.

-New statistics indicate that robberies in New York City are down 13.5 percent from a year ago. That is, unless you count the ticket prices at the New Yankee Stadium.
After numerous complaints about the high ticket prices for both the Yankees and Mets, the teams released a joint statement saying, “I don’t get what the big deal is, it’s not like we’re a bad baseball tea…oh what? We’re terrible? Really really terrible? Oh well then that explains it.

After not making the play-offs for the 5th season in a row,
New York Knicks’ President James Dolan ponders
if maybe it’s time to let black guys back on the team.

-Controversy this week in the sport of polo, with allegations of horses being given steroids. Wow, first A-rod, now horses, is there anything that Madonna won’t ride.

-Former NFL player Jimmy Smith said he was ashamed and humiliated after being arrested for possessing crack, cocaine and marijuana. To make matters worse Smith said, “He didn’t even make it on the cover of NFL’s “Felons and Criminals Illustrated.” Smith faces up 10 years in jail or a trade to the Detroit lions

"Look kid, for the last time, I don’t know why they
killed Nicollette Sheridan off of “Desperate
Housewives.” Who cares? That show jumped the shark
ever since Danelle took the baby back. I mean
Lynette and Tom are still doing good, but what about Gabby?

-Former world boxing champion Kendall Holt has pleaded guilty to a money laundering charge in New Jersey. The Boxing Commission said that while they were really disappointed in Holt, it was nice to have a boxing scandal that didn’t involve Don King.

In a preemptive effort to keep drugs out
of the sport, he World Tennis Association
implement it’s new random cavity searches.

That's this week in news. It's all the news, that's fit to blog.