tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12248717103692566172024-02-19T09:18:20.227-08:00The Glass is Half EmptyHarry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-1534368951453327012012-06-21T11:34:00.002-07:002012-06-21T11:34:55.014-07:00Comedy Is Still Fun<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Because
the name “Harry Terjanian,” is too odd for people to remember or look up,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">my
website is “IHateComedy.com.” It’s not done to be ironic; it’s true. I’m a
comedian who hates comedy. Bad comedy. Comedians are a jaded bunch. We don’t
start out that way. But when you love something so much, you hate seeing it
destroyed and you hate being denied the opportunity to make it better. But
every once in a while, there comes an opportunity that reminds you why the hell
you go through all this in the first place. For me, that event was the great
American Comedy Festival.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">For
five days in Johnny Carson’s hometown of Norfolk, Nebraska, 19 other funny,
talented, and unique professional comedians and I were treated to everything
that comedy should be. Professionally, financially, and artistically. And while
being Mr. Positivity goes against every fiber of my comedic being, I have to be
honest, bad or good. Thus here are some of the lessons I discovered and/or was
reminded about in the world of comedy thanks to my trip to the festival.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";">There
are still people in comedy, who care about comedy</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Eddie
Brill (comedian, booker and organizer of this festival) didn’t just find a town
and some microphones. He had a vision; a place to showcase the smart, witty
style of comedy that was favored by the legendary Johnny Carson. There was a
concerted effort to find the best kept secrets in the comedy world and it
showed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">A
funny thing happens when you book good comedians. Everyone steps up their game
and becomes a better performer. There was not one comedian I watched perform
and thought, “What the hell are THEY doing here?” They were more than just
people who told jokes for a living; these were people who worked hard on their
craft and poured everything they had into their comedy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";">There
are still places where comedy is a real profession and not the circus</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">We
were well taken care. I won’t say how much because frankly, some of us have
ex-wives and needy relatives. But it was more than necessary. Most of us would
have done it for a free trip and chance to perform at theater shows alone. But
this “small town” ran a tight production which rivals a lot of festivals whose
extent of preparation consists of “Congratulations, you’ve been accepted into
the Smiley Face Comedy Festival. If you can find a way to get to Roanoke,
Virginia and a place to stay, you’re in!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">We
were legitimate working comedians and not amateurs. Eddie made it a point to
not treat us like of group of contest winners getting back stage passes and a
quick picture with the Rolling Stones. We were the Rolling Stones. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">And
when you put on good shows year after year, good audiences come out and bad
audiences stay home. It was a nice change of pace to perform for audiences who
wanted to see good comedy. They weren’t there to drink their troubles away
while a comedy show played in the background. They were there for every subtle
nuance of every joke. They were there for a good show and because of that, we
delivered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Funny
is funny</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">There’s
a reason for alternative rooms, mainstream clubs, city rooms, black rooms,
Hispanic rooms etc. Some people’s styles are appreciated more by a specific
demographic. However, the best comedians can branch out. The best comedians
learn to adapt and make the audience get them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Everyone
had a different style, pace and unique voice. They had something special that
was interesting and used their experience and skill to command those audiences,
no matter what style or where they were from. Comedy isn’t just a New York or
L.A. thing. I got to see some of the best new comics from Cleveland, Denver,
Minnesota, Indianapolis, etc. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Not
all of us are backstabbers and jerks…some of us just want to create art</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Eddie
went out of his way to not make this thing a competition. He made sure all of
us were paid equally (with a little bump up for finalists and winners). “Art is
not a competition, so don’t worry about that. You are all here because you
deserve to be here. Because you are all the best.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Eddie
didn’t just find great comedians, he found people with a passion for comedy.
People who want the best comedy to succeed. To put it simply, everyone on the
shows were…nice. Since the trip I’ve had several of my new friends help out by
calling in favors and I hope to do the same for them when I can. I have a couch
that’s always free for anyone who wants to make the trip (I hope you like dogs
though).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">We
were all willing to share advice and info with one anther about how to be more
successful or how to get more work. Everyone offered suggestions on
ideas or lines that would make a joke stronger or a smoother.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">We
made sure each of us didn’t miss anything and had a ride to the next event
(Thanks Kevin McCaffrey).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">We
reminded those of us that were slightly nervous to “knock it off because
you’re good and funny.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">We’d
find medicine for those of us with headaches, upset stomachs or the myriad of
injuries that result from the full court basketball game. That’s right. 20 out
of shape, un-athletic, uncoordinated, alcoholic, smoking comedians….playing
full court basketball…after a hotdog picnic. If we made good
decisions, we wouldn’t be doing comedy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">And
let’s not forget the wise decision to turn a 2-hour bus ride back from a great
show in Omaha into an impromptu 30<sup>th</sup> birthday party for Kevin
McCaffrey by stopping off for Jack Daniels, some balloons and a cake shaped
like a monkey. The festivities were capped off by Tom Waits style rendition of
“Happy Birthday,” immediately followed by Tom Waits renditions of classic hip
hop and pop songs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Funny
People</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Between
the treatment we received from everyone, the respect for the craft, and the
skill level of everyone involved…we were free to just be people. The best kind
of people: funny people. There might have been several hundred ongoing bits or
lines of comedic genius:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">-
Ryan Dalton’s mission to visit “Steak Buffet USA,” despite appeals that he
avoid it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">“I
have to, man. It’s ‘Steak Buffet USA.’ I love all three of those things!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">-
Headliner Jake Johansson preforming a one of the shows in his newly purchased
overalls. Yes, really.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">-
The comedic tragedy of terrible bookers and road gigs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">“I
told that jerk that I’d rather headline a show on the Hindenburg.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">-
Dave Wait’s ongoing bit about Pete Lee’s likeability with the locals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">“Where’s
Pete?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">“Uh
I think he’s out campaigning for mayor,”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">“Hey
Pete, how was the city council meeting today?”<br />
“The town’s in trouble you guys.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">-
The trend that grew daily of comedians buying sleeveless
Larry-the-Cable-Guy-style flannel shirts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";">-
Comedian Ben </span><span style="color: #161208; font-family: "Times New Roman";">Bizuneh</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"> admitting on the long
2 hour confessional from Omaha to Norfolk that he’d never been to a strip club
and Owen Smith’s response of “Well maybe Nebraska shouldn’t be your first.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">I’ll
admit that I suffer from severe depression, for various personal and professional
reasons. Don’t worry, I won’t every go on a rampage or anything, but it’s
something that most performers and especially comedians deal with. If you have
any real perspective on the world around you (which is what you need in order
to be a good comedian) then you probably have some form of it. But
for five days of my life, I was cured. No meds, no meditation, no therapy. I
was just too busy working and laughing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Am
I now “Mr. Happy-go lucky, life is great, cease the day!” guy? No. I’m a
comedian. We only feel as good as the last set we did, and we’re too stupid to
stop after a good one because we hope the next one is better. But as the people
of Norfolk bid us farewell with pleas of, “Please come back next year,” I
couldn’t bare to tell them that we won’t be back next year. Next year’s fest,
which will only be bigger and better, will host 20 other comedians. I’ll
be envious them for sure, but also be happy that someone else will get the rare
opportunity to be one of the Rolling Stones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">If
you’re looking for great new comedy, please check out these comedians from the
Great American Comedy Festival competition. It’ll definitely be worth your
time:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #262626; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><b>Pete
Lee, Harry Terjanian, Brian Hocker, Amber Tozer, Andrew Orvedahl, Dave Waite,
Tom Keller, Andrew Sleighter, Amber Preston, Kevin McCaffrey, Gary Peterson,
Denise Ramsden, Janine Brito, Sasheer Zamata, Owen Smith, Ben Bizuneh,
Stephanie McHugh, Ryan Dalton, Johnny Beehner. </b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1a1a1a; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1a1a1a; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Also
I documented some of our offstage activities in 360 panoramic video with my new
toy, the Kogeto Dot. Swipe with your mouse or fingers to view the full 360
video and pass it along.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">THE HAYRIDE<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Outrunning the
sprinklers<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/2KYODKG3A624?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JTVCtYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/2KYODKG3A624?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JTVCtYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Talking about pigeons on a hayride in
Nebraska.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/DK85ANRYND5A?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JQQytYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/DK85ANRYND5A?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JQQytYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Comedians meet
cows. Cow meet comedians<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/USWKAAAS875D?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JSkitYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/USWKAAAS875D?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JSkitYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";">BUS
TRIP TO OMAHA</span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/W1KR2G8RYRDD"><span style="color: #1155cc;">http://www.kogeto.com/<wbr></wbr>dotspots/W1KR2G8RYRDD</span></a></span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><b><u><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/KMAUHGAADO9X"><span style="color: #1155cc;">http://www.kogeto.com/<wbr></wbr>dotspots/KMAUHGAADO9X</span></a></span></u></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">RADIO INTERVIEWS<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Ticks and Redbox<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/D1554KD6M1Y6#.T-JN0ytYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/D1554KD6M1Y6#.T-JN0ytYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Mookie in the
Morning<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/YBD9X1OR1RO1?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JOZmiRrww">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/YBD9X1OR1RO1?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JOZmiRrww</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Country Music in
New York<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/46G1H6XXY94X?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JNCitYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/46G1H6XXY94X?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JNCitYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><u><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">BASKETBALL GAME<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Are you ready to
tear some groins. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/Y2YW7KD7SBXW#.T-Jt-ytYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/Y2YW7KD7SBXW#.T-Jt-ytYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Ringer:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/KO52SRWXOR84?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JFgCtYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/KO52SRWXOR84?query=&page=&hp=&sort=#.T-JFgCtYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">This was a bad
Idea:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/89UM5X9XWWAN#.T-Jt_StYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/89UM5X9XWWAN#.T-Jt_StYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';">So what’s the
plan:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><a href="http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/OHK65R9O7AS8#.T-Jt_CtYvZc">http://www.kogeto.com/dotspots/OHK65R9O7AS8#.T-Jt_CtYvZc</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-56813837528534836822009-05-14T14:18:00.000-07:002009-05-15T11:28:49.478-07:00A-rod is forgivenAll is forgiven with A-rod…till October<br /><br />After a long off-season filled with criticisms for his steroid use, Alex Rodriguez made his return to baseball after hip surgery this season. And in his first at bat, on the first pitch, Rodriguez hit a game-winning three run homer, becoming the savior for Yankee fans, who just minutes prior had hated him.<br /><br />As a baseball fan, I don’t care one way or the other whether Rodriguez used steroids. But what I can’t stand is the hypocrisy of people who seem concerned about the integrity of the game, only after they’ve gotten everything they wanted from it:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Fans:</span> Whose only reason for hating Rodriguez stems from his failure to play big in the post season. That’s the extent of the concern for Yankees fans. They don’t care about steroids, about his cheating on his wife, or the fact that he’s a spoiled athlete who makes more money in one month then they will ever see in a life time. Sports fans care about winning; period.<br /><br />Yankees fans wouldn’t care if “A-rod” took his bat and beat an elderly woman to death, so long as he was able to make contact with something in the month of October.<br />If some miracle were to occur and Rodriguez helped the Yankees win a championship, well then he would be the toast of New York, and all would be forgiven.<br /><br />Fans never seem to cry “integrity” when theirs’ is the team that’s winning. Do you think San Francisco Giants fans were upset when Barry Bonds broke the home run record wearing a Giants uniform? Do you think St. Louis Cardinals and Chicago Cubs fans felt a sense of shame watching roided-up Mark Mcgwire and Sammy Sosa shatter the single-season home run records respectively? No because everyone loves a winner, except for the losers.<br />I guarantee you there’s people in Buffalo New York who still remember O.J. Simpson with a great deal of fondness. “Sure he decapitated those two people, but man could he carry a football.”<br /><br />Only when their teams don’t benefit do the fans turn on the players and began their song and dance about a return to the innocent “good old days” of the game. Ah yes, the good old days. So good for blacks, that they had their own leagues. Aww yes, who doesn’t remember the boys of summer, when the game was pure:<br /><br />Mickey Mantle who drank himself to death. “Joltin’” Joe Dimaggio, who used to beat his wife Marilyn Monroe in the face on a regular basis. And of course the great bambino, George Herman Ruth; the booze, the drugs and not to mention the hookers. The man bedded so many prostitutes that he was…well, the Babe Ruth of prostitutes. At least we know that the Babe didn’t use steroids. Anyone who can pay for the services of an entire brothel one night and then in the morning eat an 18-egg omelet, probably isn’t on the juice. He’s baseball’s hero and the man did everything wrong, shy of owning a slave. Oh and that reminds me, I almost forgot the “Georgia Peach,” Ty Cobb, who would have owned a slave if the government hadn’t made it illegal at the time.<br /><br />All is forgiven for a great all-star who keeps your team in the game.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"><br />The Teams and the League:</span> who cashed every check for television commercials, billboard space, and merchandising revenue that came with Barry Bonds, Mark Magwire, and Sammy Sosa destroying home run records.<br /><br />They all turned a financial blind-eye to the steroid use and when baseball squeezed all the juice they could (no pun intended), they blackballed the very same players they were just earlier throwing celebrations for. AT&T Park, the very ball park beloved hero Barry Bonds hit many of his home runs, including the one that broke the all-time record, has no visual indication that<br />Bonds was ever part of the organization.<br /><br />Who would think that in San Francisco, a city that opens to gays, immigrants and any other lifestyle, the only person not welcome there anymore is Barry Bonds.<br /><br />It’s only after being confronted with a list of players in writing, that Major League Baseball was suddenly announce that the integrity of the game was their number one concern.<br />Is integrity in the game a major concern? Is that why they charge you $7 for a hotdog; integrity? That’s why you don’t allow people to bring in their own sun block and force them to choose between skin cancer and the over-priced sun block you sell at your stadium; integrity?<br />George Steinbrenner wouldn't urinate on you for less than $50 and a Ticketmaster service charge.<br /><br />Baseball owners don’t care about the purity of the sport or preserving the “national pastime.” Guess what, America has a new pastime, it’s called screwing the poor. Doesn’t matter whether you’re rich or destitute, just pick a side and grab a giant over-priced novelty “We’re #1” foam finger, because that’s what we’re going to be doing for the next 200 years.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Congress:</span> Who wasted valuable time that could have been better spent on fixing the lack of proper care for Iraq war veterans, keeping the economy from collapsing, or finding a solution to the lack of health care in this country. Congressional hearings, which are organized with the speed and urgency of a Tai Chi class for important matters are somehow instantaneously thrown together to discuss grown men playing a kids game.<br /><br />How about instead of focusing on people who have voluntarily chosen to risk their health, Congress focus on the disgustingly high cost of tickets, and concessions at baseball parks, something that really effects the people. If Congress were really concerned about the integrity of the sport, maybe you’d hold some hearings about all the other heinous crimes that take place in these stadiums.<br /><br />Senator: I call this hearing to order, and I call forth the first witness, one, “Douglas Shapiro.” Mr. Shapiro, you are here to testify as a Yankees’ fan? Is that correct?<br /><br />Mr. Shapiro: Uh yes sir, I’ve been a fan since my father took me to Yankee stadium in 1965.<br /><br />Senator: Mr. Shapiro it is my understanding that you are alleging here today, that you were raped at Yankee Stadium, by a member of the Yankees orgonisation?<br /><br />Mr. Shapiro: Yes Senator…I was forced to pay $5 for a bottle of water.<br />(Audible gasp in Senate chambers)<br /><br />Senator: Oh my goodness. I’m sorry Mr. Shapiro, I can only imagine what that must have been like. And I’m sorry to make you relive this horrific event, but to clarify what kind of water are we talking about here? Are we talking a Perrier spring water, or maybe some type of Fiji brand water?<br /><br />Mr. Shapiro: (Trying to compose himself) Ummm no sir.…it was Aquafina.<br />(Audible gasp in Senate Chamber)<br /><br />Senator: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.<br /><br /><br />When all else fails, everyone involved, from the fans, to the owners to the Congress, all attempt the ultimate clichéd appeal for wholesomeness, “What do we tell the children when they ask about steroids?”<br /><br />How about you tell your kids that America loves a cheater so long as he’s your cheater.<br /><br />How about you tell your kids that while America is going through it’s worse financial crisis in 70 years, that your beloved baseball team is charging the highest prices for seats in the history of the game, and that’s actually supposed to be good for America because it’s the free market in full effect.<br /><br />How about you tell your kids, that life is a bitch, and that sometimes, you have to make tough decisions like choosing between being the all-time home run king, and having normal size testicles.<br /><br />Or how about you tell your kids that while baseball is a fun distraction from the hardships of life, that in reality it’s just a game, and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-89625607729430964092009-05-05T11:30:00.000-07:002009-05-15T11:30:45.718-07:00This week in newsIt's all the news fit to blog.<br /><br />ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO BLOG<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Politics:</span> -Big news on Capitol Hill as Pennsylvania Senator Arlon Spector announced that he is switching his party affiliation from Republican to Democrat. The switch came as a result of what Spector called, “irreconcilable differences.” He said that he was upset because the Republican party never complimented him anymore and hadn’t taken him out to a nice dinner in years.<br /><br />Spector said that he never really considered switching sides until this year, but he did experiment a little in college.<br /><br />Chairman of the Republican National Committee Michael Steele, upset by the events, said that by leaving, Spector “flipped us the bird,” at which point Dick Chaney tried to shoot it, missed and hit Steele in the face.<br /><br />-“Intimate” photos and video of French First Lady Carla Bruni were reported stolen this week. There is concern that rather revealing photos may end up being released on the internet. You may a recall a similar incident that took place in America when TMZ showed clips of the infamous Barbara Bush sex tape.<br /><br />-A press photographer discovered a small nest of new-born baby birds near the Rose Garden of the White House. A spokesman for the White House said that the Administration would do their best to protect the birds and ensure their safety. This is a drastic change from the previous administration’s policy, which would call for the birds to be water boarded.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">News:</span> -The biggest story of the week continues to be the Swine Flu epidemic.<br />Six mild cases were reported in Canada this week. Nobody is quite sure how they contracted the flu, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s because we still don’t know the difference between ham and Canadian bacon.<br /><br />That of course is a joke. A popular fallacy is that you can get the swine flu by eating pork. You CAN NOT and eating cooked pork is perfectly fine. So Sorry Jews and Muslims, it’s still pointless.<br /><br />So to clear up a couple misconceptions about swine flu, it’s not lethal, you can’t get it by eating pork, and you can’t get it, as originally thought, by sleeping with Paris Hilton.<br /><br />Because of it’s effect on sales, the pork industry is lobbying to have the name of the Swine Flu changed to the “H1N1 Virus.” Well, you know, since high school, I always wanted to be referred to as, “Hot Rod,” but guess what, neither of those things is going to happen.<br /><br />-A “Gun’s for Cash” program offering $200 for guns will begin in a Bronx Church this week. The organizers aren’t sure what kind of turnout to expect. The biggest concern?; that people will realize all the different ways a gun can be used to get more than $200.<br /><br />-The creator of online classifieds website Craigslist.org insists that there are virtually no sex related items on the website site. Yeah right, 50 millions hits a month, all of them people trying to find used toasters.<br /><br />-New York City has announced plans to feature a public display for one of the original copies of the 800 year old Magna Carta, sometimes referred to as the "birth certificate of human liberty." It will be on display to the public for three months where the document can be viewed, photographed, and have penises drawn on it.<br /><br />-The Supreme Court said yesterday that the Federal Communications Commission may penalize even the occasional use of certain expletives on the airwaves. Though Justice Clarence Thomas added that it was still cool to put pubic hairs on Coke cans.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Business news:</span> -The New York post is alleging that their competition the New York Times has an unofficial ban on using the word “panties” in their stories, after they repeatedly used the word, “underpants” in a story about the Craigslist killer. The Times denies they have any such ban, while the New York post continues to maintain a three-“panties”-minimum policy for every story.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHCUXwIyhsC-eXKeYLT5uLxmAOyOBR5Z4wndGLCm-ZwJror8fU7PJKjZgdeXo_nnfGkteiHiLES1rwl4unQH_nbCw2WBWrMP_p3-FzGcbSEVEo7kIK6A8QD3Ih1RAiyPKbcjIaT9xfRZ8/s1600-h/Car+gal_best_1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 215px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHCUXwIyhsC-eXKeYLT5uLxmAOyOBR5Z4wndGLCm-ZwJror8fU7PJKjZgdeXo_nnfGkteiHiLES1rwl4unQH_nbCw2WBWrMP_p3-FzGcbSEVEo7kIK6A8QD3Ih1RAiyPKbcjIaT9xfRZ8/s320/Car+gal_best_1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332409783502019330" border="0" /></a>Executives for Chrystler Motors insist that their filing for bankruptcy<br />will not effect the speed and power of the 2010 Jeeps.<br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRPSjB3NvTamw-95JSdbd3nykvYu1UXKGs8s52ugwUS8mqfTr7stdAu1smrSmiM8MgSXBinpTZV_iCt2tgZt8SYN2iJBTtAgeQ1BJnSM-upHqwpdzVDjOPOduckhDEToviiydyeelhQ7Y/s1600-h/Team+building+gal_best_5.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 198px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRPSjB3NvTamw-95JSdbd3nykvYu1UXKGs8s52ugwUS8mqfTr7stdAu1smrSmiM8MgSXBinpTZV_iCt2tgZt8SYN2iJBTtAgeQ1BJnSM-upHqwpdzVDjOPOduckhDEToviiydyeelhQ7Y/s320/Team+building+gal_best_5.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332410073791488274" border="0" /></a>Jeff began to wonder if these company mandated team<br />building exercises had gone too far.<br /></div><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Entertainment:</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi672Ury5_3UzmAbmCh847WgAQ0e0DB49Kbm9tep-v6VJ-p_fRdeJY52vRAbZG9BuI3bH-Z0bPqjJcvEjvUzPIGmFbCGjaDYop_UvWUK2BMan1rxma5QOtHGeag_3sho7qH3PXsyUBDzRA/s1600-h/Mickie+ROurkeSnapshot+2009-04-27+11-12-57.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 297px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi672Ury5_3UzmAbmCh847WgAQ0e0DB49Kbm9tep-v6VJ-p_fRdeJY52vRAbZG9BuI3bH-Z0bPqjJcvEjvUzPIGmFbCGjaDYop_UvWUK2BMan1rxma5QOtHGeag_3sho7qH3PXsyUBDzRA/s320/Mickie+ROurkeSnapshot+2009-04-27+11-12-57.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332410521595606210" border="0" /></a>After 20 minutes a weirded-out Kim Basinger had to inform<br />Mickey Rourke that they were both attending a movie<br />premiere, and NOT Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum.<br /></div><br /><br />-Fox received some criticism last week after it chose not to air President Obama’s 100th press conference in prime time. A Fox executive said that the decision was based solely on a lack of ratings for Obama’s TV appearances, and that “nobody watches.” After hearing the story an executive for NBC said, “Hey, that never stops us from airing our programs.”<br /><br />-Bravo plans to air a new series, “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” The network says that the show will be exactly like the “Real Housewives of New York,” and “Real Housewives of Orange County,” except with lots more hair spray.<br /><br />-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will appear on the reality series American Choppers. The former Vice Presidential candidate will have a custom motorcycle built in her honor. The bike will be designed to look really good on the outside, but be really hateful and disturbing on the inside.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEuF_myfzGl_DqQSq1aWeDKITtZebBSMsrIfQiB42eJon6_0Zmt6eMXdeQalA14BYDnWP09Mj9YbR65dhATmjy1yVLGny-8yB9nUz7Xx9_v7SvxAtJREezhfQSSab5JI6pr58fTtJJ4FI/s1600-h/+Hugh+Jackman.+photo28.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 228px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEuF_myfzGl_DqQSq1aWeDKITtZebBSMsrIfQiB42eJon6_0Zmt6eMXdeQalA14BYDnWP09Mj9YbR65dhATmjy1yVLGny-8yB9nUz7Xx9_v7SvxAtJREezhfQSSab5JI6pr58fTtJJ4FI/s320/+Hugh+Jackman.+photo28.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332411111362708226" border="0" /></a>After being hounded by the paparazzi, a frustrated Hugh Jackman<br />broke down and shouted “All right, all right! I’m gay. Is that<br />what you vultures wanted to hear, I’m gay!”<br /></div><br />-Due to low ratings and budget concerns, NBC’s fall line-up will feature a slew of new reality shows including, “The Marriage Ref," "Breakthrough With Tony Robbins" and a new reality show, where the winner actually gets to run NBC.<br /><br />-A cable guy received a 6-year prison sentence for distributing broadcasts of a television station backed by a terrorist group. The man received 4 years for aiding a terrorist organization and two years for providing them with free HBO and Showtime.<br /><br />-Several websites have expressed “outrage” regarding a new Disney film featuring a black princess, because her love interest is not also black. Yeah, because with the economy tanking, war still going on, and the swine flue, the big concern right now is animated racial tensions.<br /><br />-Grey Goose Vodka canceled their party sponsorship for a movie, featuring porn star Sasha Grey, even though she doesn’t get naked in the film. Because a product that causes liver damage, domestic violence, drunk driving accidents, and date rape, wouldn’t want to associate with something as dirty as sex.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis4cacXyYV-QLXyr9nMlSQOsm9IIdWgHRtHP6ZXnf5m_wv4xC4lwZaqyeNSimXccCydkR7miOsLPZfZ32vKgnnOp0BaSf0UhVD8M75J1u-wHnT6uqQC-ydKKcL4VMIcBATONg2-untCi8/s1600-h/Drunken+Horse.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 258px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis4cacXyYV-QLXyr9nMlSQOsm9IIdWgHRtHP6ZXnf5m_wv4xC4lwZaqyeNSimXccCydkR7miOsLPZfZ32vKgnnOp0BaSf0UhVD8M75J1u-wHnT6uqQC-ydKKcL4VMIcBATONg2-untCi8/s320/Drunken+Horse.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332411445060492914" border="0" /></a>As if steroids in Polo horses weren’t bad enough, trainer<br />Martin Rodriguez tries to wake up a hung-over race horse<br />before the Kentucky Derby .<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNXWGOSaPpPZjHtfopgTGMwmZByQxj7KaT2UOqzd6V6imAfeCotOm0_O7IvhRGkZPPwbFdNPEIrFpm5latH_BmU5irNx-i0sNtfe-GV4KiQFY8ujq9sJSqrrpAWrSc3E8Df1DzB9TwBX0/s1600-h/Alex+Rod+Snapshot+2009-04-27+11-27-21.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 260px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNXWGOSaPpPZjHtfopgTGMwmZByQxj7KaT2UOqzd6V6imAfeCotOm0_O7IvhRGkZPPwbFdNPEIrFpm5latH_BmU5irNx-i0sNtfe-GV4KiQFY8ujq9sJSqrrpAWrSc3E8Df1DzB9TwBX0/s320/Alex+Rod+Snapshot+2009-04-27+11-27-21.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5332411775162256722" border="0" /></a>A steroid free Alex Rodriquez returns to baseball this week.<br /></div>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-82999928088780127492009-04-27T13:41:00.000-07:002009-05-15T11:32:29.990-07:00Hey kids, it's time for This Week in NewsALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO BLOG<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Politics:</span><br />-President Barack Obama held his 100th press conference this week. To give you an idea of the event’s significances that is one press conference for every one of Joe Biden’s hair plugs.<br /><br />-A lot of controversy this week over Obama’s decision to release CIA memos on the torture procedures of high level detainees. A spokesman for the CIA said that while water-boarding might seem cruel, it is far more humane than their original interrogation method, forcing them to watch Matthew McConaughey movies.<br /><br />-Former Vice-President Dick Chaney this week defended his criticisms of Barack Obama, saying that if he feels that he has a “moral obligation” to talk about certain subjects. Unless of course one of those subjects is the details about the time he got drunk and shot that guy in the face.<br /><br />-A judge this week ruled that former Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich, could not take part in a new reality series. While travel restrictions would prevent Blagojevich, from taking part in the NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity; Get Me Out of Here,” he would allow him to be part of the new reality show, “I’m a Douche Bag; Send Me to Prison.”<br /><br />-The series would have made Blagojevich, the most hated person on network television, until it was announced that Heidi and Spence of “The Hills” would be joining the cast.<br /><br />-A senior aid to John McCain called the GOP, “a shrinking entity.” When asked how they could prevent the party from shrinking further, 72-year-old McCain said that from personal experience, he finds Cialis usually does the job.<br /><br />-California Governor Arnold Schartenager announced that he would be filming a small scene in the new Terminator movie. In weird twist Schartenager plays a POLITICIAN who goes into ACTING, and as it turns out, isn’t really good at either.<br /><br /><img src="file:///Users/HarryT/Desktop/Blogs/michelleobama2.jpg" alt="" /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj770q7bcBR3zP3eFs6ODWsK6GFdrXrBkPqbLNqF7B-xdA-kbUqjK_pXJDfzme9knWkC__YsWmdlUWqz3ZBl94Ktt-JiFV6EKJXprV1zmHCSgBQBmzS2LIh-aHZl6jr0srGpXmjHdiGSmk/s1600-h/michelleobama2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 219px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj770q7bcBR3zP3eFs6ODWsK6GFdrXrBkPqbLNqF7B-xdA-kbUqjK_pXJDfzme9knWkC__YsWmdlUWqz3ZBl94Ktt-JiFV6EKJXprV1zmHCSgBQBmzS2LIh-aHZl6jr0srGpXmjHdiGSmk/s320/michelleobama2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329476825026790866" border="0" /></a>“Next question, uh…yes, you the kid who throws like a queer.”<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">-First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a question and answer session at the White House’s annual Bring Your Child to Work Day luncheon. The most common question the first lady received was, “How do you like the new White House Dog?” While the second most popular question was, “Seriously what’s with Joe Biden’s plugs?”<br /><br />The event was for the most part a light hearted affair, until one child asked the First Lady about her husband’s decision to release classified CIA memos, at which point the 8-year-old was tasered by Secret Service, subdued, removed from the facility and then never heard from again.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">News:</span><br />-Fiancé of accused Craigslist killer, Philip Markoff, continues to proclaim his innocence and says she plans on going forward with the wedding. Because if there’s one guy who knows the meaning of “till death do you part, it’s the Craigslist killer.<br />For all those interested, the couple is registered everywhere, but Craigslist.<br /><br />-A Bronx teacher locked himself in a classroom and threatened to blow up the school after a fight with the principal. Oh I’m sorry, that’s actually the plot to High School Musical 4.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYfi1vT0SsMGVmUtEKI8c2UwevKWm47BQcTckoDXHJtxAIN9YAD1xbEkgWvs9SK431-4Ecr0TEuCsGcqiEqzcmfQTz8EpteGjhFY-JNUB4sZDT67HJePM7FHRNQeKfRAVlr_ErWH1_RlQ/s1600-h/034_comicpope1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 228px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYfi1vT0SsMGVmUtEKI8c2UwevKWm47BQcTckoDXHJtxAIN9YAD1xbEkgWvs9SK431-4Ecr0TEuCsGcqiEqzcmfQTz8EpteGjhFY-JNUB4sZDT67HJePM7FHRNQeKfRAVlr_ErWH1_RlQ/s320/034_comicpope1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329478697640326402" border="0" /></a><br /><br />-Catholic League president William Donohue says he was outraged after Cosmopolitan advice columnist Nicole Beland, that it sometimes takes years to undo sexually repressive damage caused by years of exposure to Catholic-school nuns. An enraged Donohue said, "It would never occur to Beland that a woman who is sexually repressed might have been molested growing up," You’re right Bill. She might have been molested growing up. And if anybody is the authority on child molestation, it’s the Catholic Church.<br /><br />-In New York City, some parents were upset to find out that due to lack of space, some children in will have to go on a wait list before registering for kindergarten. Parents shouldn’t worry too much though, because as soon as the economy completely collapses we’re going right back to child labor!<br /><br />-Madlyn Primoff, a mother in White Plains, NY pulled her car over and left her kids, on the side of the road 3 miles from home, after they wouldn’t behave in the car. After she was arrest by police for child negligence, Primoff said, “Oh yeah, that’s why people don’t ACTUALLY do that.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Business:</span> American Express reported that their net income is down 56 percent from last year. If the company continues to lose money they plan on changing their slogan from, “Don’t leave home without it.” to “Hey, where’s my home?”<br /><br />Profits for software giant Microsoft have fallen for the first time in 23 Years. Microsoft chairman Bill Gates proclaimed it a temporary set-back, and that the company would start running much smoother as soon as he presses “control, alt, delete.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Local Yocals:</span><br />-A woman in Tampa, Florida was surprised to find an 11 foot, 400 pound alligator parked on her stoop. The woman said she was scared at first, but was relieved when you she found out the gator wasn’t a Jehovah’s witness.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhElJzfwb9Ccx8YqLZ0Z56c9-HW7aMKUUuEQRrxAiEQ884-yjEOv1VOhwxENqm7-jLgvws2xRVXMdVQT4CvtdM3YvcrlkBA2GeW1oR6-G5CY5RBjHWcQHzGI2PMdmHTCK6oOHPqKpEhldo/s1600-h/star-wars-geek.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 334px; height: 404px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhElJzfwb9Ccx8YqLZ0Z56c9-HW7aMKUUuEQRrxAiEQ884-yjEOv1VOhwxENqm7-jLgvws2xRVXMdVQT4CvtdM3YvcrlkBA2GeW1oR6-G5CY5RBjHWcQHzGI2PMdmHTCK6oOHPqKpEhldo/s320/star-wars-geek.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329478957685082194" border="0" /></a>“While he always considered loyal to the Death Star,<br />Kyle just couldn’t agree with Lord Vader’s<br />“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell."<br /></div><br />-A Scottish police officer who considers herself a Jedi Knight, (as in the movie Star Wars), claims she uses Jedi mind tricks to get suspects to confess their crimes. It should be noted, however, that most of her Jedi mind tricks consist of boring people with Star Wars trivia.<br /><br />-Bette Calman, an 83 year old Australian woman is the world’s oldest Yoga instructor, teaching up to 11 classes a week. When asked why at 83, she would continue to do yoga, she said that she needed to get in shape for this summer so she could start pitching for the Yankees.<br />Actually Calman, said she does it because “it’s good for sex. Just kidding.” Then she laughed and broke her hip.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Entertainment:</span> -Comedian Dane Cook appeared on Larry King Live to discuss his ongoing legal battle with his half brother. While acting as Cook’s manager, his brother embezzled more than three million dollars. And to make matters worst, it turns out he stole the idea from another comedian’s manager<br /><br />-Gossip magazines are reporting that former playboy playmate and Baywatch star Pamela Anderson is living in a trailer park. Well I’m not going to have sex with her NOW!<br /><br />-There’s rumor circulating that American Idol’s 4th judge, Kara Dioguardi, is thinking of quitting the show after her first season. When he heard the news, former American Idol co-host Brian Dunkleman popped his head out of a trashcan and said, “Think it over!”<br /><br />-This week, ABC announced that their long running sitcom, “According to Jim,” will not be returning next season. After hearing the news Jim Belushi, star of the program said, “Wow, is that show still on the air?”<br /><br />-ABC’s new drama, “The Unusuals” used stock footage on New York City that featured a pre 9/11, World Trade Center. Producers for the show apologized and said that they would immediately remove any unsightly footage from future episodes. NBC followed suit removing its unsightly footage by canceling Knight Rider.<br /><br />-Due to constant smoke at her concerts, Britney Spears has purchased a $28,000 high-tech oxygen chamber. Handlers for Britney say that the chamber will cleanse her lungs, increase her oxygen intake, and hopefully suck the crazy out of her brain.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Science:</span><br />-A team of scientists in England, recently built a new echo friendly automobile. The car runs on chocolate, with parts of the body made out of potatoes, flax fiber and a steering wheel made out of carrots. People in the auto industry say that the car should be very popular with people who are environmentally conscious, but not in a hurry to lose their virginity.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiujIsnEieya3_ybC-vU7XC6vbT0pPWPXqETzVId9JvmvfpdlRFaPQfld034j6kEBFJekYIG4KMnZ2GT_Ui5RferX-TdSBVj5XQiDVscChqUdqTx6AJAtT4XY4ZhW685OqpUzDwHko47lw/s1600-h/dn17003-2_500.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiujIsnEieya3_ybC-vU7XC6vbT0pPWPXqETzVId9JvmvfpdlRFaPQfld034j6kEBFJekYIG4KMnZ2GT_Ui5RferX-TdSBVj5XQiDVscChqUdqTx6AJAtT4XY4ZhW685OqpUzDwHko47lw/s320/dn17003-2_500.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329479621221919986" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />-A team of scientists in South Korea have found a way to breed dogs that can glow in the dark. When asked what prompted the experiments, the scientist explained, “there’s a number of very logical and worthwhile explanations for glow-in-the-dark dogs, none of which have anything to do with making it easier to catch and eat dogs at night.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sports:</span> -It was revealed this week that two prospects for the 2009 NFL draft, tested positive for marijuana during February's NFL scouting combine. NFL officials suspected there was a problem when one of the players caught a touch down pass and then celebrated by staring at his hands for 2 hours.<br /><br />-New statistics indicate that robberies in New York City are down 13.5 percent from a year ago. That is, unless you count the ticket prices at the New Yankee Stadium.<br />After numerous complaints about the high ticket prices for both the Yankees and Mets, the teams released a joint statement saying, “I don’t get what the big deal is, it’s not like we’re a bad baseball tea…oh what? We’re terrible? Really really terrible? Oh well then that explains it.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhub4YvqXzaKFqX-QXA3mpUo0VEJK_oj1ixizEb7M71Wbq5c97ouTvItuEGRTHrg1_bUHGRBTGd626pEJ9rC_xk5Jm10IQLXczXs7H6-wjAbKBMVMeFDbSEh-fJFYFBs6ZLCxaqr0Wp7MY/s1600-h/450LIU-Basketball-Team.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 303px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhub4YvqXzaKFqX-QXA3mpUo0VEJK_oj1ixizEb7M71Wbq5c97ouTvItuEGRTHrg1_bUHGRBTGd626pEJ9rC_xk5Jm10IQLXczXs7H6-wjAbKBMVMeFDbSEh-fJFYFBs6ZLCxaqr0Wp7MY/s320/450LIU-Basketball-Team.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329480152001598274" border="0" /></a>After not making the play-offs for the 5th season in a row,<br />New York Knicks’ President James Dolan ponders<br />if maybe it’s time to let black guys back on the team.<br /></div><br />-Controversy this week in the sport of polo, with allegations of horses being given steroids. Wow, first A-rod, now horses, is there anything that Madonna won’t ride.<br /><br />-Former NFL player Jimmy Smith said he was ashamed and humiliated after being arrested for possessing crack, cocaine and marijuana. To make matters worse Smith said, “He didn’t even make it on the cover of NFL’s “Felons and Criminals Illustrated.” Smith faces up 10 years in jail or a trade to the Detroit lions<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcZ5ri6aDBBMXUE_elry19JHKw1B7hS6gDk_U-75_oKKAm_WQ7jesxXLqU44D5zjpmGzLuhaMJODFKydT9PeXh7G-81_RqrqA4xCgNq05v8NShClViM4fIuzu4JiPZ7zRkfN79D47ID6I/s1600-h/Boxer.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 235px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcZ5ri6aDBBMXUE_elry19JHKw1B7hS6gDk_U-75_oKKAm_WQ7jesxXLqU44D5zjpmGzLuhaMJODFKydT9PeXh7G-81_RqrqA4xCgNq05v8NShClViM4fIuzu4JiPZ7zRkfN79D47ID6I/s320/Boxer.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329483484857862658" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">"</span>Look kid, for the last time, I don’t know why they<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;"> killed Nicollette Sheridan off of “Desperate<br />Housewives.” Who cares? That show jumped the shark<br />ever since Danelle took the baby back. I mean<br />Lynette and Tom are still doing good, but what about Gabby?</span>"<br /></div><br /><br />-Former world boxing champion Kendall Holt has pleaded guilty to a money laundering charge in New Jersey. The Boxing Commission said that while they were really disappointed in Holt, it was nice to have a boxing scandal that didn’t involve Don King.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr8oblAduwTJzGvtPdv-Oud8-A_8CMrTP8-CnddYKUkNBycZf4FL7xYuBsUW20fKWbIQWaoBU2ITMThbt2laNzF_hKBBnj6iOWlXbYaGR69IUm2ZfdEr2zX5jt84mmm5v0GLX9JyRLQpc/s1600-h/gal_best_20.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 186px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr8oblAduwTJzGvtPdv-Oud8-A_8CMrTP8-CnddYKUkNBycZf4FL7xYuBsUW20fKWbIQWaoBU2ITMThbt2laNzF_hKBBnj6iOWlXbYaGR69IUm2ZfdEr2zX5jt84mmm5v0GLX9JyRLQpc/s320/gal_best_20.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329480897518222162" border="0" /></a>In a preemptive effort to keep drugs out<br />of the sport, he World Tennis Association<br />implement it’s new random cavity searches.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">That's this week in news. It's all the news, that's fit to blog.<br /></div></div></div></div>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-56213086860630923232008-10-06T10:00:00.000-07:002008-10-06T10:03:10.753-07:00Some thought on the debate...and i brought clips!(with contribution from Stephanie Sottile)<br /><br />I decide to let the weekend pass before forming my complete thoughts on the vice presidential debates. One, so I can really take time to reflect and two because that’s how long it took my new tv arrive after I kicked in the old one watching Gwen Ifill not ask any actual follow up questions. (Now I know why Elvis felt).<br /><br />The debate basically boiled down to a series of he said she said. He said something relevant and factual, and she said something completely retarded.<br /><br />The woman is a moron. I sat there for 90 minutes watching this buffoon ramble on the 7 talking points that she had so obviously crammed for like some student preparing to give a book report the next day despite not having even creased the cover.<br /><br />At one point she gave a shout out to third graders. Hey idiot, you’re on national TV. We can’t have the second most powerful person in the world hopping up and down on camera like the audience of Total Request Live, every time she gets on TV.<br />She did everything but hold up a “John 3:16” (by the way, that’s not a biblical verse, that’s McCain’s actual blood pressure).<br /><br />Oh and by the way, it’s official: Shout outs are no longer cool. Sorry black people, they’ve ruined another one. When the white female governor of Alaska gives a shout out, it’s no longer cool. And shout outs are not for third graders! They should be reserved for friends, families, and baby’s mamas. You know like your daughter.<br /><br />Though I was happy to see how proud she is of her diverse family. You must admit, it’ pretty diverse. She has a pregnant daughter and a down syndrome baby.Why you could start a hip-hop group.<br /><br />And although I really would have wanted a more of a fight from Joe Bidden, I can understand his dilemma. It’s like playing chess against an orangutan. How do you develop a logical strategy. (and not one those smart helper orangutans either; the ones who paint and assist the handicapped. I’m talking about the ones that throw feces at you and attack you for bringing them a birthday cake at the zoo).<br /><br />There was nothing more aggravating than watching this dummy, do her best to avoid answering questions and look like a clown then turning on the news channels to see people actually having the gall to praise her for her performance.<br />Am I the only one who can see what an idiot she is? Are the rest of these people blind or just stupid, liars or all of the above. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who can see it, like I’m wearing those sunglasses from “They Live”<br /><br />Overall, she did much better then I expected. There’s two ways to judge a debate. One, is the expression of ideas, plans, beliefs and facts about your administration, and the other is the bullshit factor. As much as I hate it, the bullshit factor matters.<br /><br />And now for you view enjoyment, some clips from “They Live”<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kBY6pF42I-c&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kBY6pF42I-c&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Wp_K8prLfso&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Wp_K8prLfso&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><br />and the greatest fight scene in movie history<br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wqKFadyJxwg&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wqKFadyJxwg&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-88061663286669549692008-09-30T18:22:00.000-07:002008-09-30T18:26:13.144-07:002008 Presidential Election fun Fact #5Some interesting facts about Sarah Palin<br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/2kYlT541wFA&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/2kYlT541wFA&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-31725910036344343512008-09-23T11:46:00.000-07:002008-09-23T11:49:21.720-07:002008 Presidential Election fun FactHey kids, it's time for e another 2008 Presidential Election Fun fact.<br /><br />This one is for all my Republican brothas and and sistas out there.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4kaaJErqaUo"> </param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4kaaJErqaUo" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed> </object>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-74251638416691442712008-09-23T11:45:00.001-07:002008-09-23T11:45:54.762-07:00Have You Ever Been ExperiencedThere’s been a lot of debate in the election about experience; who has more experience, how much experience is enough, how much of that is relevant experience, and how important it is to have “Executive Experience.”<br />(Ah, “Executive Experience,” my new favorite bullshit term which didn’t exist until about a month when ago Sarah Palin arrived on the scene.)<br /><br />Let’s cut the shit. Presidential elections aren’t about experience anymore. This thing has been a popularity contest for the last 25 years. People don’t vote on important matters like experience and track record. They vote with their emotions on irrelevant shit like charisma and personality. It’s really no different than high school when the more-qualified straight-A students would run for student council president and have their ass handed to them by the prom queen or the starting quarterback.<br /><br />Conservatives have known for years that it’s not about issues. Remember how the Republican Party ran the Bush campaign. “Who would you rather have a beer with.” That’s what it’s about. Not “who do you think is more experienced.”<br />In 2000: “Who would you rather have a beer with: the kooky Tennessee cyborg who claims he invented the internet, or the good old boy from Texas?”<br />2004: “Who would you rather have a beer with, the monster from the Franken Berry cereal box if he were a New England elitist, or the cowboy Commander-in-Chief who don’t take shit from nobody!<br /><br />Conservatives are just mad because liberals have someone who might win the popularity contest. Now it’s: “Who would you rather have a beer with, the young, charismatic handsome, rock-star Senator, or the crazy ex-Vietnam veteran with skin lesions.”<br /><br />Experience is one of those archaic terms people still throw around like it means something. Let’s be honest, most Americans don’t even know the name of their Senator or local congressman until they seem them on the local news running from the court house into their town-car after being indicted for drugs, prostitution, or tax evasion.<br /><br />When people talk about experience, they’re thinking back to a time when Congressman and Senators used to…you know…do thing things. Look at Hillary Clinton for example. Now she took almost two years away from her job running for President (which in all fairness to her, is now-a-days a full time job). And when it was clear that she had lost, she returned to the Senate and absolutely NOTHING had changed. Nothing. Any job where you can take a fucking year off without anything happening, is not that important.<br /><br />You know what, I’m glad Obama hasn’t spent 25 years in the Senate. What a shame he couldn’t gain the valuable experience of spending decades raising money for re-election campaigns, being solicited by lobbyists, and having his vote influenced by campaign contributions. What a shame he doesn’t have that experience. It doesn’t matter whether it’s John McCain or anyone else, how much really gets done in the congress by either party.<br /> “I have far more experience than my opponent at accomplishing relatively nothing. My opponent hasn’t spent nearly as much time not fulfilling his campaign promises. The American people deserve a candidate who knows how to talk a big game, but in the end bows down to the pressures of lobbyist and campaign contributors. I am that candidate.”<br /><br />What does experience matter anyhow? After the last president, is there anyone out there who believes we can do worse? We could literally hold a national lottery where anyone can be president for a week and do better. And I am including in that lottery, illegal aliens who don’t speak English and convicted felons. (And not the nice felons like in the ovies either. I’m talking about the ones that are really crazy. The type that commit ass rape because they find regular rape mundane).<br /><br />Sometimes I wonder if instead of sending people into voting booths, the Presidential Election wouldn’t work better if we used one of those applause-o-meters, the same way they pick the winner of a spring-break wet t-shirt contest.Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-89569420562348012452008-09-22T17:48:00.000-07:002008-09-22T17:57:29.366-07:00If you haven't seen it, it's new to youHere are some of my newly redone 2008 Election Fun fats that i had previously posted as texts. Enjoy mofos.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4dTjuRfbwLo&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4dTjuRfbwLo&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Some things you might not know about John McCain<br /><br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/7o-BEmYaDhk&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/7o-BEmYaDhk&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />This Date in HistoryHarry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-44067802628421815912008-09-22T14:04:00.000-07:002008-09-22T14:05:00.793-07:00Today's Presidential Election fun fact<object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ON-AKjEunN0"> </param> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ON-AKjEunN0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed> </object>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-13653752037625211152008-09-22T01:14:00.000-07:002008-09-22T01:16:25.173-07:00Today's Google SearchHey kids it’s time for the Google Search of the Day!<br />That’s where we give you the hottest and latest terms being Googled, so you can stay informed.<br /><br />Today’s key Google phrases to search for are:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">"Wall Street", the movie, watch all, not just, "Greed is Good", scene.<br /><br /></span>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-7867366687203427172008-09-12T00:29:00.000-07:002008-09-12T00:35:13.190-07:00Today's Presidential Election fun factThe 2008 Presidential Election fun fact is brought you by Walmart. Walmart, we do reprehensible things, so we can pass the savings on to you.<br /><br />Today's fun fact:<br /><br />This day on History: Sept. 11th.<br /><br />Did you know that 9/11 happened on September 11, 2001?<br /><br />That was today's fun fact.Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-39048750292747907482008-09-08T10:13:00.001-07:002008-09-09T06:37:59.426-07:00That Speech was Pure TortureAs I tuned into the RNC and watched John McCain give his account of those dark days of his Vietnam imprisonment, I found my self-captivated, and overcome with respect for the man (which was obviously the point). But it made me think back to 4 years ago when another Vietnam Vet. was running for office. I wonder why it is that John Kerry wasn’t treated with the same respect, and awe with which the conservatives seem to carry McCain.<br /><br />Though not as tragic, Kerry’s story was no less courageous and his service, no less admirable. Did the conservatives choose to acknowledge that while the service of Sen. Kerry is honorable his ideas might not be good for the country’s direction. No, the conservatives somehow deemed it appropriate to attack his service record.<br /><br /><br />Politics can be a funny world. Sometimes it's just down-right hilarious:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>one Vietnam Vet is a coward and a liar, while the other is Jesus of Phoenix, Arizona.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>Sarah Palin is the family values candidate even though you need an abacus to keep track of her daughter’s illegitimate children.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>it’s ok to call someone else “elitist” when you can’t even remember how many homes you own. (Here’s a clue, when you have to pluralize home, you’re probably the elitist).<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>the National Enquire and Us Weekly are doing all the reporting work, while the New York Times sit on its hands.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>you can claim that YOU support the troops even though you’d find more body armor at the Source Awards than in Iraq.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>cheating on your wife is a reprehensible act which should discredit your entire political career and any views you once had. Except when you marry the woman you’re cheating with, and then god’s cool with it.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>the constitution is outdated because it was written pre 9/11, but your religion, based on a book written thousands of years ago, through second hand accounts, translated time and time over, is still relevant as ever.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>it’s ok to claim that you’re the party of change when you’ve been in control for 8 years and we’ve seen more change in Janet Jackson’s waist-line.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>being a senator for only two years isn’t enough experience, but being the Barney Fife of Alaska is.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>you can mess with and ignore the constitution all you want except, when it comes to the second amendment, mostly because if you try, someone will shoot you. Oh, and also for queers. You can change it because you don’t think queers should have the same rights you do.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>you can claim to be the party of fiscal responsibility even though your wife goes onstage to introduce you wearing $36,000 worth of jewelry. (But to be fair, if you break it down, that’s only $1000 for every black Delegate at the convention).<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>candidates’ children should be off limit’s to discussion, even when the only people discussing it, are the candidates who keep discussing how candidates’ children should be off limit’s to discussion.<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">In the world of politics…</span>it’s ok to accuse your opponent of not providing any specifics about how to fix the country, and then giving a speech, in which you provide no specifics about how to fix the country. Instead you can just rely on your old war stories.<br /><br />Oh, how hilarious!Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-63284412105754332342008-09-04T21:20:00.000-07:002008-09-04T21:23:04.286-07:00The Google Search of the Day (September 4 2008)Hey kids it’s time for the Google Search of the Day!<br />That’s where we give you the hottest and latest terms being Googled, so you can stay informed.<br /><br />Today’s key Google phrases to search for are:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">RNC, Convention, The Economy, bring up, never, ever, ever</span>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-86245077998360632052008-09-04T21:17:00.000-07:002008-09-09T06:38:56.299-07:00Personal EffectsI don’t think that the personal life of a candidate should really matter all that much in a presidential election, especially when it comes to the actions of candidates’ family members. God knows I have a family with a real shitty past. I’m fairly certain that I’m the only member of my family who hasn’t needed a ride home from a police station.<br /><br />And as a big Bill Clinton supporter for me to judge someone else’s personal life as a reason they can’t govern, well that would be mighty hypocritical …kind of like stressing family values and an abstinence-only lifestyle of waiting for marriage before having sex and then having your unwed daughter get knocked up at 17.<br /><br />Sarah Palin’s daughter being pregnant, doesn’t make me think anymore or less of her then I do Bill Clinton, John Edwards, John Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, Franklin Roosevelt, or any of the people who’ve cheated on their wives while serving the public (though I am kind of impressed by FDR, I mean the guy was in a wheel chair).<br /><br />But what I can’t stand is the bullshit spin that they have to put on it.<br />“We’re proud of Bristol’s decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents.”<br /><br />The news of hearing that your daughter, who is not even old enough to vote in the very election she’s fucking up, is unmarried and pregnant, actually makes you proud? You’re happy about it?<br /><br />Wow, well I guess I wouldn’t know. Alas, I’m a man, and men don’t understand the complexities of mother hood. Sadly, all I can do is imagine the joy that comes from this type of news. Maybe it’s like the pride you’d feel if your husband got fired for being drunk at work? Is it like the happiness that would overtake you if you saw your son robbing a liquor store on the local news? Ooh I know! Maybe it’s like the joy you receive when your father tells the whole family that next year he’s going to Malaysia and when he comes back, you can start calling him “Mom.” That kind of pride?<br /><br />“Why I can still remember buying her her first training bra three years ago and thinking to myself, ‘Wow, when is she going to get me some grandchildren already. What’s the hold up. Urghh! Come on already, start that baby-maker!’”<br /><br />Yeah I’m sure the father was even prouder. You work hard, you teach them to color in the lines, and you buy them building blocks. You try so hard, and you hope one day that if you do everything right, they’ll spread their wings, fly away and then have unprotected sex with a with a redneck in the back of an El Camino for less than 30 seconds.<br /><br />Yeah, you were proud and happy and the reason they carry pregnancy tests at the 24 convenience store is for happy expecting couples who just want to confirm the good news.<br /><br />But it’s ok folks. The good news is that the young couple will be getting married, so apparently it’s ok by God. Yes marriage, as the conservatives have told us over and over, is a sacred institution, that should be taken seriously and never entered into lightly; you know unless it’s going to fuck up your mother’s election campaign, in which case, bring on the Vegas Elvis impersonators and the shot gun wedding.<br /><br />But I can see one bright spot for Palin. As a 44 year-old politician, she’s an ok MILF…but I challenge you to find a hotter GILF.Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-18922772095737717842008-09-02T06:57:00.000-07:002008-09-02T07:10:05.485-07:00The Google Search of the Day (September 1, 2008)Hey kids it’s time for the Google Search of the Day!<br />That’s where we give you the hottest and latest terms being Googled, so you can stay informed.<br /><br />Today’s key Google phrases to search for are:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Bush, Chaney, Visit, Hurricane, three years, New Orleans, too late</span>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-11077049638811704502008-09-02T06:49:00.000-07:002008-09-02T06:50:53.869-07:00Democratic Message in a Bottle:By now, it’s no secret that Barack Obama’s best trait is his ability to inspire and motivate people through his powerful speeches. As far as supporters are concerned, his speech at the Democratic National Convention certainly lived up to the hype. As far as conservatives are concerned, Obama’s speech conveyed wonderful ideas and flowery, hope-filled rhetoric, but provided no specifics on how he would go about accomplishing his many lofty goals. McCain, of course, will give a closing speech at the end if this week’s Republican convention that will do exactly the same.<br /><br />But there is something that took place at the DNC that was much bigger than any memorable quotes or any message of unity. What I found most appealing was the new direction of the Democratic Party. In not making this election about Obama vs. McCain, but about Liberalism vs. Conservatism, the Dems. have begun the process of revealing the dirty shame-filled secret that, economically, conservatism is and always has been an abysmal failure.<br /><br />The sad fact is that most Americas don’t understand the party system or even the basic fundamentals of our three branch government. They blame George W. Bush for the mess our country is in, because he’s the face of the administration. But truth be told, he’s about as responsible for our problems as Brittany Spears is for writing her own awful music. There’s a whole team of people responsible for creating that disaster. Unfortunately, the average person isn’t savvy enough to understand that no man (no matter how brilliant or for that matter how simple) can triumph in victory or fail in defeat without support, i.e. a Republic majority.<br /><br />I think that all the speeches really stressed that this election is about the party and not the individual; that politics is a team sport and the President just happens to be the captain. When you get to the level of presidential politics, you’re not just voting for some guy you believe you’d get along with if you and the Mrs. went on a double date…you’re voting for control of 1/3 of the government.<br /><br />It was refreshing to see how many of the speeches didn’t focus on McCain at all, but the GOP. Former President Bill Clinton’s speech in particular hammered the point home (and please save your dirty “hammered” sexual innuendos for the water cooler at work):<br /><br />“<span style="font-weight: bold;">THEY</span> took us from record surpluses to an exploding debt.”<br /><br />“<span style="font-weight: bold;">THEY</span> actually want us to reward them for the last eight years by giving them four more.”<br /><br />“Then we saw what would happen to America if the policies <span style="font-weight: bold;">THEY</span> had talked about for decades actually were implemented.”<br /><br />Obama did well to define the direction of his campaign, by not attacking McCain the person, but McCain the member of the Republican Party. In doing so, he summed up how most liberals feel about McCain: he’s a nice guy, but he, like the rest of his party, “just doesn’t get it.” And we as a nation can’t afford to hand over control to a political party that has put our country in a moral and economic crisis EVERY single time they’ve come into power for almost for 30 years. It doesn’t mean that you vote solely on party lines, and it doesn’t mean a person from another party can’t have good ideas. But a man is only as good as the company he keeps. Let’s be honest, McCain keeps pretty shitty company: George Bush, Dick Chaney, Newt Gingrich…Tupac Shakur didn’t run with a group this awful.<br /><br />At face value, tying McCain to Bush is an easy thing to do as far as political warfare goes. Why wouldn’t you want to associate someone with the least popular president of all time? Mussolini had a higher approval rating (though in all fairness many of those survey cards couldn’t be deciphered, on account of the damage caused by the pitch forks and torches).<br /><br />But from a second standpoint…it’s fucking TRUE! No matter what the issue, McCain’s votes (if that’s still how we keep records in this country) show that’s he’s been with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time.<br /><br />“What does it say about your judgment when you think George Bush has been right more than ninety percent of the time?” said Obama. And if that wasn’t enough, “I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to take a ten percent chance on change,” which was followed by fire works, a standing ovation, flowing tears, and pregnant woman’s water breaking.<br /><br />The war, the environment, education, the economy…where’s the big change from the gun-slinging Washington outsider? The argument that he’s not going to be as awful as the last guy just isn’t good enough. “Well at least my new boyfriend doesn’t beat AND rape me.”<br /><br />Obama has made the claim that it’s in fact McCain and the rest of the conservatives who have no new ideas. But you have to remember, in all fairness to the conservatives, it’s not like they’ve been in control for the last eight fucking years!<br /><br />I’m sick of politicians, especially conservatives, attempting prove that they’re not part of the very system which crippled this once robust economy. The “Washington is broken and John McCain knows it,” TV ads are particularly nauseating. Of course you know it; you’re a member of the party that broke it! You were there when it all went down. You’re what we call “an accomplice.” Seeing John McCain attempt to distance himself from Washington is like watching some outsider crash a wedding and trying to be one of the family members.<br /><br />“Don’t politicians suck? Man, do I hate those Washington fat-cats. Hey, how’s that local sports team doing? You guys like chicks? I know I do. High five!”<br /><br />Usually I don’t take much solace in these conventions as far as their ability to influence the minds of voters. I think a lot of Americans tune into the coverage accidentally, unaware that that night’s rerun of “Two and a Half Men” has been pre-empted and they’re just too lazy and/or fat, to pick up the remote control. Most people don’t even watch the coverage, and I can’t image that all of those who do, will get the message. After all, swing voters aren’t the people who majored in Political Science; they’re the ones who skipped Social Studies to smoke a joint behind the gym. But when you hear that more people watched Obama’s speech than finale of “American Idol,” it does give you some hope. And as bad as our economy is, at least hope…is free.Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-71166889429432624312008-09-02T01:18:00.000-07:002008-09-02T01:26:26.847-07:00The Google Search of the Day (Aug 30, 2008)Hey kids it’s time for the Google Search of the Day!<br />That’s where we give you the hottest and latest terms being Googled, so you can stay informed.<br /><br />Today’s key Google phrases to search for are:<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">John, McCain, Vice-Presidential, Nominee, Woman, Pandering, Sad</span>Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1224871710369256617.post-70801657170072404592008-09-02T01:15:00.000-07:002008-09-02T01:34:06.718-07:00Me Chinese, Me play Joke, Me Have Horrendous Human Right Record(Re-posted due to tech difficulties)<br /><br />I love sports. I really do, but never did I think that I would allow myself to be sucked into the glorious hype that is the Olympics. Maybe it was the highlight reels hyping the games weeks in advance, filled with great historical moments from Olympics past: Jesse Owens, Munich, the Black Power fists, Michael Phelps. One way or another, hell had frozen over. As I watched the manly men and even manlier women run, jump, and swim with champion-like caliber, I found it impossible not to notice the Olympics’ ongoing effort to promote sportsmanship, tolerance, peace, and any other ethic you could think of. All commendable values except when you consider the host nation, a place where people drown baby girls.<br /><br />As much as I love sports, I love reality and perspective more. The Olympic games are about money and always will be. When you decide to go with a country that has the horrendous environmental and human rights record that China does, then please stop trying to shove this peace and harmony nonsense down my throat. Either sell me Big Macs or sell me hope and prosperity, but not both.<br /><br />But why should any of us have been surprised about China in the first place? Don’t forget, this is the Olympic committee that gave the 1936 games to Hitler’s Germany. It makes you wonder if Bin Laden came up with enough cash, that we wouldn’t be treated to the 2016 Al Qaeda Olympics. I can perhaps give the 1936 committee some benefit of doubt as far as ignorance towards Hitler’s reign. After all, they didn’t have Google yet.<br /><br />And let’s not forget the bribery scandal of the 1998 Salt Lake City games. The only real surprise there, is that nobody could come up with more bribe money than Salt Lake City. Really? I mean what did they come up with, $37 and some Yankee candles? The corruption within the IOC makes dog fighting look legitimate.<br /><br />But I’m sure Beijing was different. I’m sure all those newly built and renovated sports facilities constructed in record time, were done so legitimately with only the highest level of codes and safety regulations, and not with the same disregard for human life with which the Chinese have built everything, from electronics to rubber dog crap. The number of dead bodies beneath Beijing National Stadium makes the teamsters who planted Jimmy Hoffa in the Giants’ end zone, look like a bunch of underachievers.<br /><br />And then the shock at the possibility that Chinese just might have, perhaps, just maybe…a teensie weensie bit…cheated. They put LEAD in our toys! What a shock. I NEVER expected cheating from a nation that imprisons its own people, denies free speech, and oh did I mention…they drown baby girls. Did you really think they were above cheating? If you did, then you’re as naïve as the people who think that “The Hills” is real. Well let’s be fair, you’re as naïve as the people who tune into “The Hills” in the first place.<br /><br />But America is no less guilty. Let’s be honest, we don’t care any more about those values than China. What we care about is the glory that comes from winning.<br />Sports is the only the place where Americans seem to care about international competition. That’s the only time we seem to feel any level of pride. The economy, health care, literacy rates…that we don’t care about, but God forbid some Ukrainian steals a gold medal in a sport we didn’t know existed two weeks ago!<br /><br />But we may not even be able to grasp onto that glory for very much longer as other hungrier nations begin to catch up with our country athletically. So now, in order to keep up we have to create new sports that only we will be able to dominate, like competitive eating. That’s what we’ve done in America, we’ve taken the horrendous habits of our every day lives, and then turned them into a “sport.” America’s two newest sports: competitive eating and gambling. If “Un-paid Child Support” was a sport, then we could really run up that gold medal count. Though the Italians might give us a run for our money in “Domestic Violence,” but never fear, we’ll make up for it in “Not Voting.”<br /><br />Maybe when we do allow competitive eating in the Olympics, we can regain our dominance, even if it’s because our “athletes” believe the gold medals are filled with chocolate. Sure China, you maybe able to out work us, you maybe able to out smart us, and you may be able to out cheat us, but there’s one thing you just don’t have the enlarged heart for…and that’s eating recreationally.<br /><br />So much like the Russians and the U.S. in the 80’s, from this point on, I will chose to boycott the Olympics. At least until the 2016 Al Qaeda Olympics, when future competitive eating champion Kevin “the Diabetic” Sullivan, breaks Michael Phelp’s record by winning 9 gold medals in various pie eating contests and then tragically collapsing from a heart attack while trying to climb the one step of the victory podium. Either that or when I get excited by the highlights package of great Winter Olympic moments before Vancouver 2010. I do love hockey.<br /><br />God Bless America and God bless rubber dog crap.Harry Terjanianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11814225104993236833noreply@blogger.com0