Tuesday, May 5, 2009

This week in news

It's all the news fit to blog.


Politics: -Big news on Capitol Hill as Pennsylvania Senator Arlon Spector announced that he is switching his party affiliation from Republican to Democrat. The switch came as a result of what Spector called, “irreconcilable differences.” He said that he was upset because the Republican party never complimented him anymore and hadn’t taken him out to a nice dinner in years.

Spector said that he never really considered switching sides until this year, but he did experiment a little in college.

Chairman of the Republican National Committee Michael Steele, upset by the events, said that by leaving, Spector “flipped us the bird,” at which point Dick Chaney tried to shoot it, missed and hit Steele in the face.

-“Intimate” photos and video of French First Lady Carla Bruni were reported stolen this week. There is concern that rather revealing photos may end up being released on the internet. You may a recall a similar incident that took place in America when TMZ showed clips of the infamous Barbara Bush sex tape.

-A press photographer discovered a small nest of new-born baby birds near the Rose Garden of the White House. A spokesman for the White House said that the Administration would do their best to protect the birds and ensure their safety. This is a drastic change from the previous administration’s policy, which would call for the birds to be water boarded.

News: -The biggest story of the week continues to be the Swine Flu epidemic.
Six mild cases were reported in Canada this week. Nobody is quite sure how they contracted the flu, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s because we still don’t know the difference between ham and Canadian bacon.

That of course is a joke. A popular fallacy is that you can get the swine flu by eating pork. You CAN NOT and eating cooked pork is perfectly fine. So Sorry Jews and Muslims, it’s still pointless.

So to clear up a couple misconceptions about swine flu, it’s not lethal, you can’t get it by eating pork, and you can’t get it, as originally thought, by sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Because of it’s effect on sales, the pork industry is lobbying to have the name of the Swine Flu changed to the “H1N1 Virus.” Well, you know, since high school, I always wanted to be referred to as, “Hot Rod,” but guess what, neither of those things is going to happen.

-A “Gun’s for Cash” program offering $200 for guns will begin in a Bronx Church this week. The organizers aren’t sure what kind of turnout to expect. The biggest concern?; that people will realize all the different ways a gun can be used to get more than $200.

-The creator of online classifieds website Craigslist.org insists that there are virtually no sex related items on the website site. Yeah right, 50 millions hits a month, all of them people trying to find used toasters.

-New York City has announced plans to feature a public display for one of the original copies of the 800 year old Magna Carta, sometimes referred to as the "birth certificate of human liberty." It will be on display to the public for three months where the document can be viewed, photographed, and have penises drawn on it.

-The Supreme Court said yesterday that the Federal Communications Commission may penalize even the occasional use of certain expletives on the airwaves. Though Justice Clarence Thomas added that it was still cool to put pubic hairs on Coke cans.

Business news: -The New York post is alleging that their competition the New York Times has an unofficial ban on using the word “panties” in their stories, after they repeatedly used the word, “underpants” in a story about the Craigslist killer. The Times denies they have any such ban, while the New York post continues to maintain a three-“panties”-minimum policy for every story.

Executives for Chrystler Motors insist that their filing for bankruptcy
will not effect the speed and power of the 2010 Jeeps.

Jeff began to wonder if these company mandated team
building exercises had gone too far.


After 20 minutes a weirded-out Kim Basinger had to inform
Mickey Rourke that they were both attending a movie
premiere, and NOT Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum.

-Fox received some criticism last week after it chose not to air President Obama’s 100th press conference in prime time. A Fox executive said that the decision was based solely on a lack of ratings for Obama’s TV appearances, and that “nobody watches.” After hearing the story an executive for NBC said, “Hey, that never stops us from airing our programs.”

-Bravo plans to air a new series, “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” The network says that the show will be exactly like the “Real Housewives of New York,” and “Real Housewives of Orange County,” except with lots more hair spray.

-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will appear on the reality series American Choppers. The former Vice Presidential candidate will have a custom motorcycle built in her honor. The bike will be designed to look really good on the outside, but be really hateful and disturbing on the inside.

After being hounded by the paparazzi, a frustrated Hugh Jackman
broke down and shouted “All right, all right! I’m gay. Is that
what you vultures wanted to hear, I’m gay!”

-Due to low ratings and budget concerns, NBC’s fall line-up will feature a slew of new reality shows including, “The Marriage Ref," "Breakthrough With Tony Robbins" and a new reality show, where the winner actually gets to run NBC.

-A cable guy received a 6-year prison sentence for distributing broadcasts of a television station backed by a terrorist group. The man received 4 years for aiding a terrorist organization and two years for providing them with free HBO and Showtime.

-Several websites have expressed “outrage” regarding a new Disney film featuring a black princess, because her love interest is not also black. Yeah, because with the economy tanking, war still going on, and the swine flue, the big concern right now is animated racial tensions.

-Grey Goose Vodka canceled their party sponsorship for a movie, featuring porn star Sasha Grey, even though she doesn’t get naked in the film. Because a product that causes liver damage, domestic violence, drunk driving accidents, and date rape, wouldn’t want to associate with something as dirty as sex.

As if steroids in Polo horses weren’t bad enough, trainer
Martin Rodriguez tries to wake up a hung-over race horse
before the Kentucky Derby .

A steroid free Alex Rodriquez returns to baseball this week.

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