Thursday, May 14, 2009

A-rod is forgiven

All is forgiven with A-rod…till October

After a long off-season filled with criticisms for his steroid use, Alex Rodriguez made his return to baseball after hip surgery this season. And in his first at bat, on the first pitch, Rodriguez hit a game-winning three run homer, becoming the savior for Yankee fans, who just minutes prior had hated him.

As a baseball fan, I don’t care one way or the other whether Rodriguez used steroids. But what I can’t stand is the hypocrisy of people who seem concerned about the integrity of the game, only after they’ve gotten everything they wanted from it:

The Fans: Whose only reason for hating Rodriguez stems from his failure to play big in the post season. That’s the extent of the concern for Yankees fans. They don’t care about steroids, about his cheating on his wife, or the fact that he’s a spoiled athlete who makes more money in one month then they will ever see in a life time. Sports fans care about winning; period.

Yankees fans wouldn’t care if “A-rod” took his bat and beat an elderly woman to death, so long as he was able to make contact with something in the month of October.
If some miracle were to occur and Rodriguez helped the Yankees win a championship, well then he would be the toast of New York, and all would be forgiven.

Fans never seem to cry “integrity” when theirs’ is the team that’s winning. Do you think San Francisco Giants fans were upset when Barry Bonds broke the home run record wearing a Giants uniform? Do you think St. Louis Cardinals and Chicago Cubs fans felt a sense of shame watching roided-up Mark Mcgwire and Sammy Sosa shatter the single-season home run records respectively? No because everyone loves a winner, except for the losers.
I guarantee you there’s people in Buffalo New York who still remember O.J. Simpson with a great deal of fondness. “Sure he decapitated those two people, but man could he carry a football.”

Only when their teams don’t benefit do the fans turn on the players and began their song and dance about a return to the innocent “good old days” of the game. Ah yes, the good old days. So good for blacks, that they had their own leagues. Aww yes, who doesn’t remember the boys of summer, when the game was pure:

Mickey Mantle who drank himself to death. “Joltin’” Joe Dimaggio, who used to beat his wife Marilyn Monroe in the face on a regular basis. And of course the great bambino, George Herman Ruth; the booze, the drugs and not to mention the hookers. The man bedded so many prostitutes that he was…well, the Babe Ruth of prostitutes. At least we know that the Babe didn’t use steroids. Anyone who can pay for the services of an entire brothel one night and then in the morning eat an 18-egg omelet, probably isn’t on the juice. He’s baseball’s hero and the man did everything wrong, shy of owning a slave. Oh and that reminds me, I almost forgot the “Georgia Peach,” Ty Cobb, who would have owned a slave if the government hadn’t made it illegal at the time.

All is forgiven for a great all-star who keeps your team in the game.

The Teams and the League:
who cashed every check for television commercials, billboard space, and merchandising revenue that came with Barry Bonds, Mark Magwire, and Sammy Sosa destroying home run records.

They all turned a financial blind-eye to the steroid use and when baseball squeezed all the juice they could (no pun intended), they blackballed the very same players they were just earlier throwing celebrations for. AT&T Park, the very ball park beloved hero Barry Bonds hit many of his home runs, including the one that broke the all-time record, has no visual indication that
Bonds was ever part of the organization.

Who would think that in San Francisco, a city that opens to gays, immigrants and any other lifestyle, the only person not welcome there anymore is Barry Bonds.

It’s only after being confronted with a list of players in writing, that Major League Baseball was suddenly announce that the integrity of the game was their number one concern.
Is integrity in the game a major concern? Is that why they charge you $7 for a hotdog; integrity? That’s why you don’t allow people to bring in their own sun block and force them to choose between skin cancer and the over-priced sun block you sell at your stadium; integrity?
George Steinbrenner wouldn't urinate on you for less than $50 and a Ticketmaster service charge.

Baseball owners don’t care about the purity of the sport or preserving the “national pastime.” Guess what, America has a new pastime, it’s called screwing the poor. Doesn’t matter whether you’re rich or destitute, just pick a side and grab a giant over-priced novelty “We’re #1” foam finger, because that’s what we’re going to be doing for the next 200 years.

Congress: Who wasted valuable time that could have been better spent on fixing the lack of proper care for Iraq war veterans, keeping the economy from collapsing, or finding a solution to the lack of health care in this country. Congressional hearings, which are organized with the speed and urgency of a Tai Chi class for important matters are somehow instantaneously thrown together to discuss grown men playing a kids game.

How about instead of focusing on people who have voluntarily chosen to risk their health, Congress focus on the disgustingly high cost of tickets, and concessions at baseball parks, something that really effects the people. If Congress were really concerned about the integrity of the sport, maybe you’d hold some hearings about all the other heinous crimes that take place in these stadiums.

Senator: I call this hearing to order, and I call forth the first witness, one, “Douglas Shapiro.” Mr. Shapiro, you are here to testify as a Yankees’ fan? Is that correct?

Mr. Shapiro: Uh yes sir, I’ve been a fan since my father took me to Yankee stadium in 1965.

Senator: Mr. Shapiro it is my understanding that you are alleging here today, that you were raped at Yankee Stadium, by a member of the Yankees orgonisation?

Mr. Shapiro: Yes Senator…I was forced to pay $5 for a bottle of water.
(Audible gasp in Senate chambers)

Senator: Oh my goodness. I’m sorry Mr. Shapiro, I can only imagine what that must have been like. And I’m sorry to make you relive this horrific event, but to clarify what kind of water are we talking about here? Are we talking a Perrier spring water, or maybe some type of Fiji brand water?

Mr. Shapiro: (Trying to compose himself) Ummm no sir.…it was Aquafina.
(Audible gasp in Senate Chamber)

Senator: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

When all else fails, everyone involved, from the fans, to the owners to the Congress, all attempt the ultimate clichĂ©d appeal for wholesomeness, “What do we tell the children when they ask about steroids?”

How about you tell your kids that America loves a cheater so long as he’s your cheater.

How about you tell your kids that while America is going through it’s worse financial crisis in 70 years, that your beloved baseball team is charging the highest prices for seats in the history of the game, and that’s actually supposed to be good for America because it’s the free market in full effect.

How about you tell your kids, that life is a bitch, and that sometimes, you have to make tough decisions like choosing between being the all-time home run king, and having normal size testicles.

Or how about you tell your kids that while baseball is a fun distraction from the hardships of life, that in reality it’s just a game, and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

This week in news

It's all the news fit to blog.


Politics: -Big news on Capitol Hill as Pennsylvania Senator Arlon Spector announced that he is switching his party affiliation from Republican to Democrat. The switch came as a result of what Spector called, “irreconcilable differences.” He said that he was upset because the Republican party never complimented him anymore and hadn’t taken him out to a nice dinner in years.

Spector said that he never really considered switching sides until this year, but he did experiment a little in college.

Chairman of the Republican National Committee Michael Steele, upset by the events, said that by leaving, Spector “flipped us the bird,” at which point Dick Chaney tried to shoot it, missed and hit Steele in the face.

-“Intimate” photos and video of French First Lady Carla Bruni were reported stolen this week. There is concern that rather revealing photos may end up being released on the internet. You may a recall a similar incident that took place in America when TMZ showed clips of the infamous Barbara Bush sex tape.

-A press photographer discovered a small nest of new-born baby birds near the Rose Garden of the White House. A spokesman for the White House said that the Administration would do their best to protect the birds and ensure their safety. This is a drastic change from the previous administration’s policy, which would call for the birds to be water boarded.

News: -The biggest story of the week continues to be the Swine Flu epidemic.
Six mild cases were reported in Canada this week. Nobody is quite sure how they contracted the flu, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s because we still don’t know the difference between ham and Canadian bacon.

That of course is a joke. A popular fallacy is that you can get the swine flu by eating pork. You CAN NOT and eating cooked pork is perfectly fine. So Sorry Jews and Muslims, it’s still pointless.

So to clear up a couple misconceptions about swine flu, it’s not lethal, you can’t get it by eating pork, and you can’t get it, as originally thought, by sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Because of it’s effect on sales, the pork industry is lobbying to have the name of the Swine Flu changed to the “H1N1 Virus.” Well, you know, since high school, I always wanted to be referred to as, “Hot Rod,” but guess what, neither of those things is going to happen.

-A “Gun’s for Cash” program offering $200 for guns will begin in a Bronx Church this week. The organizers aren’t sure what kind of turnout to expect. The biggest concern?; that people will realize all the different ways a gun can be used to get more than $200.

-The creator of online classifieds website insists that there are virtually no sex related items on the website site. Yeah right, 50 millions hits a month, all of them people trying to find used toasters.

-New York City has announced plans to feature a public display for one of the original copies of the 800 year old Magna Carta, sometimes referred to as the "birth certificate of human liberty." It will be on display to the public for three months where the document can be viewed, photographed, and have penises drawn on it.

-The Supreme Court said yesterday that the Federal Communications Commission may penalize even the occasional use of certain expletives on the airwaves. Though Justice Clarence Thomas added that it was still cool to put pubic hairs on Coke cans.

Business news: -The New York post is alleging that their competition the New York Times has an unofficial ban on using the word “panties” in their stories, after they repeatedly used the word, “underpants” in a story about the Craigslist killer. The Times denies they have any such ban, while the New York post continues to maintain a three-“panties”-minimum policy for every story.

Executives for Chrystler Motors insist that their filing for bankruptcy
will not effect the speed and power of the 2010 Jeeps.

Jeff began to wonder if these company mandated team
building exercises had gone too far.


After 20 minutes a weirded-out Kim Basinger had to inform
Mickey Rourke that they were both attending a movie
premiere, and NOT Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum.

-Fox received some criticism last week after it chose not to air President Obama’s 100th press conference in prime time. A Fox executive said that the decision was based solely on a lack of ratings for Obama’s TV appearances, and that “nobody watches.” After hearing the story an executive for NBC said, “Hey, that never stops us from airing our programs.”

-Bravo plans to air a new series, “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” The network says that the show will be exactly like the “Real Housewives of New York,” and “Real Housewives of Orange County,” except with lots more hair spray.

-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will appear on the reality series American Choppers. The former Vice Presidential candidate will have a custom motorcycle built in her honor. The bike will be designed to look really good on the outside, but be really hateful and disturbing on the inside.

After being hounded by the paparazzi, a frustrated Hugh Jackman
broke down and shouted “All right, all right! I’m gay. Is that
what you vultures wanted to hear, I’m gay!”

-Due to low ratings and budget concerns, NBC’s fall line-up will feature a slew of new reality shows including, “The Marriage Ref," "Breakthrough With Tony Robbins" and a new reality show, where the winner actually gets to run NBC.

-A cable guy received a 6-year prison sentence for distributing broadcasts of a television station backed by a terrorist group. The man received 4 years for aiding a terrorist organization and two years for providing them with free HBO and Showtime.

-Several websites have expressed “outrage” regarding a new Disney film featuring a black princess, because her love interest is not also black. Yeah, because with the economy tanking, war still going on, and the swine flue, the big concern right now is animated racial tensions.

-Grey Goose Vodka canceled their party sponsorship for a movie, featuring porn star Sasha Grey, even though she doesn’t get naked in the film. Because a product that causes liver damage, domestic violence, drunk driving accidents, and date rape, wouldn’t want to associate with something as dirty as sex.

As if steroids in Polo horses weren’t bad enough, trainer
Martin Rodriguez tries to wake up a hung-over race horse
before the Kentucky Derby .

A steroid free Alex Rodriquez returns to baseball this week.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Hey kids, it's time for This Week in News


-President Barack Obama held his 100th press conference this week. To give you an idea of the event’s significances that is one press conference for every one of Joe Biden’s hair plugs.

-A lot of controversy this week over Obama’s decision to release CIA memos on the torture procedures of high level detainees. A spokesman for the CIA said that while water-boarding might seem cruel, it is far more humane than their original interrogation method, forcing them to watch Matthew McConaughey movies.

-Former Vice-President Dick Chaney this week defended his criticisms of Barack Obama, saying that if he feels that he has a “moral obligation” to talk about certain subjects. Unless of course one of those subjects is the details about the time he got drunk and shot that guy in the face.

-A judge this week ruled that former Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich, could not take part in a new reality series. While travel restrictions would prevent Blagojevich, from taking part in the NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity; Get Me Out of Here,” he would allow him to be part of the new reality show, “I’m a Douche Bag; Send Me to Prison.”

-The series would have made Blagojevich, the most hated person on network television, until it was announced that Heidi and Spence of “The Hills” would be joining the cast.

-A senior aid to John McCain called the GOP, “a shrinking entity.” When asked how they could prevent the party from shrinking further, 72-year-old McCain said that from personal experience, he finds Cialis usually does the job.

-California Governor Arnold Schartenager announced that he would be filming a small scene in the new Terminator movie. In weird twist Schartenager plays a POLITICIAN who goes into ACTING, and as it turns out, isn’t really good at either.

“Next question, uh…yes, you the kid who throws like a queer.”

-First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a question and answer session at the White House’s annual Bring Your Child to Work Day luncheon. The most common question the first lady received was, “How do you like the new White House Dog?” While the second most popular question was, “Seriously what’s with Joe Biden’s plugs?”

The event was for the most part a light hearted affair, until one child asked the First Lady about her husband’s decision to release classified CIA memos, at which point the 8-year-old was tasered by Secret Service, subdued, removed from the facility and then never heard from again.

-FiancĂ© of accused Craigslist killer, Philip Markoff, continues to proclaim his innocence and says she plans on going forward with the wedding. Because if there’s one guy who knows the meaning of “till death do you part, it’s the Craigslist killer.
For all those interested, the couple is registered everywhere, but Craigslist.

-A Bronx teacher locked himself in a classroom and threatened to blow up the school after a fight with the principal. Oh I’m sorry, that’s actually the plot to High School Musical 4.

-Catholic League president William Donohue says he was outraged after Cosmopolitan advice columnist Nicole Beland, that it sometimes takes years to undo sexually repressive damage caused by years of exposure to Catholic-school nuns. An enraged Donohue said, "It would never occur to Beland that a woman who is sexually repressed might have been molested growing up," You’re right Bill. She might have been molested growing up. And if anybody is the authority on child molestation, it’s the Catholic Church.

-In New York City, some parents were upset to find out that due to lack of space, some children in will have to go on a wait list before registering for kindergarten. Parents shouldn’t worry too much though, because as soon as the economy completely collapses we’re going right back to child labor!

-Madlyn Primoff, a mother in White Plains, NY pulled her car over and left her kids, on the side of the road 3 miles from home, after they wouldn’t behave in the car. After she was arrest by police for child negligence, Primoff said, “Oh yeah, that’s why people don’t ACTUALLY do that.”

Business: American Express reported that their net income is down 56 percent from last year. If the company continues to lose money they plan on changing their slogan from, “Don’t leave home without it.” to “Hey, where’s my home?”

Profits for software giant Microsoft have fallen for the first time in 23 Years. Microsoft chairman Bill Gates proclaimed it a temporary set-back, and that the company would start running much smoother as soon as he presses “control, alt, delete.”

Local Yocals:
-A woman in Tampa, Florida was surprised to find an 11 foot, 400 pound alligator parked on her stoop. The woman said she was scared at first, but was relieved when you she found out the gator wasn’t a Jehovah’s witness.

“While he always considered loyal to the Death Star,
Kyle just couldn’t agree with Lord Vader’s
“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell."

-A Scottish police officer who considers herself a Jedi Knight, (as in the movie Star Wars), claims she uses Jedi mind tricks to get suspects to confess their crimes. It should be noted, however, that most of her Jedi mind tricks consist of boring people with Star Wars trivia.

-Bette Calman, an 83 year old Australian woman is the world’s oldest Yoga instructor, teaching up to 11 classes a week. When asked why at 83, she would continue to do yoga, she said that she needed to get in shape for this summer so she could start pitching for the Yankees.
Actually Calman, said she does it because “it’s good for sex. Just kidding.” Then she laughed and broke her hip.

Entertainment: -Comedian Dane Cook appeared on Larry King Live to discuss his ongoing legal battle with his half brother. While acting as Cook’s manager, his brother embezzled more than three million dollars. And to make matters worst, it turns out he stole the idea from another comedian’s manager

-Gossip magazines are reporting that former playboy playmate and Baywatch star Pamela Anderson is living in a trailer park. Well I’m not going to have sex with her NOW!

-There’s rumor circulating that American Idol’s 4th judge, Kara Dioguardi, is thinking of quitting the show after her first season. When he heard the news, former American Idol co-host Brian Dunkleman popped his head out of a trashcan and said, “Think it over!”

-This week, ABC announced that their long running sitcom, “According to Jim,” will not be returning next season. After hearing the news Jim Belushi, star of the program said, “Wow, is that show still on the air?”

-ABC’s new drama, “The Unusuals” used stock footage on New York City that featured a pre 9/11, World Trade Center. Producers for the show apologized and said that they would immediately remove any unsightly footage from future episodes. NBC followed suit removing its unsightly footage by canceling Knight Rider.

-Due to constant smoke at her concerts, Britney Spears has purchased a $28,000 high-tech oxygen chamber. Handlers for Britney say that the chamber will cleanse her lungs, increase her oxygen intake, and hopefully suck the crazy out of her brain.

-A team of scientists in England, recently built a new echo friendly automobile. The car runs on chocolate, with parts of the body made out of potatoes, flax fiber and a steering wheel made out of carrots. People in the auto industry say that the car should be very popular with people who are environmentally conscious, but not in a hurry to lose their virginity.

-A team of scientists in South Korea have found a way to breed dogs that can glow in the dark. When asked what prompted the experiments, the scientist explained, “there’s a number of very logical and worthwhile explanations for glow-in-the-dark dogs, none of which have anything to do with making it easier to catch and eat dogs at night.”

Sports: -It was revealed this week that two prospects for the 2009 NFL draft, tested positive for marijuana during February's NFL scouting combine. NFL officials suspected there was a problem when one of the players caught a touch down pass and then celebrated by staring at his hands for 2 hours.

-New statistics indicate that robberies in New York City are down 13.5 percent from a year ago. That is, unless you count the ticket prices at the New Yankee Stadium.
After numerous complaints about the high ticket prices for both the Yankees and Mets, the teams released a joint statement saying, “I don’t get what the big deal is, it’s not like we’re a bad baseball tea…oh what? We’re terrible? Really really terrible? Oh well then that explains it.

After not making the play-offs for the 5th season in a row,
New York Knicks’ President James Dolan ponders
if maybe it’s time to let black guys back on the team.

-Controversy this week in the sport of polo, with allegations of horses being given steroids. Wow, first A-rod, now horses, is there anything that Madonna won’t ride.

-Former NFL player Jimmy Smith said he was ashamed and humiliated after being arrested for possessing crack, cocaine and marijuana. To make matters worse Smith said, “He didn’t even make it on the cover of NFL’s “Felons and Criminals Illustrated.” Smith faces up 10 years in jail or a trade to the Detroit lions

"Look kid, for the last time, I don’t know why they
killed Nicollette Sheridan off of “Desperate
Housewives.” Who cares? That show jumped the shark
ever since Danelle took the baby back. I mean
Lynette and Tom are still doing good, but what about Gabby?

-Former world boxing champion Kendall Holt has pleaded guilty to a money laundering charge in New Jersey. The Boxing Commission said that while they were really disappointed in Holt, it was nice to have a boxing scandal that didn’t involve Don King.

In a preemptive effort to keep drugs out
of the sport, he World Tennis Association
implement it’s new random cavity searches.

That's this week in news. It's all the news, that's fit to blog.