Monday, October 6, 2008

Some thought on the debate...and i brought clips!

(with contribution from Stephanie Sottile)

I decide to let the weekend pass before forming my complete thoughts on the vice presidential debates. One, so I can really take time to reflect and two because that’s how long it took my new tv arrive after I kicked in the old one watching Gwen Ifill not ask any actual follow up questions. (Now I know why Elvis felt).

The debate basically boiled down to a series of he said she said. He said something relevant and factual, and she said something completely retarded.

The woman is a moron. I sat there for 90 minutes watching this buffoon ramble on the 7 talking points that she had so obviously crammed for like some student preparing to give a book report the next day despite not having even creased the cover.

At one point she gave a shout out to third graders. Hey idiot, you’re on national TV. We can’t have the second most powerful person in the world hopping up and down on camera like the audience of Total Request Live, every time she gets on TV.
She did everything but hold up a “John 3:16” (by the way, that’s not a biblical verse, that’s McCain’s actual blood pressure).

Oh and by the way, it’s official: Shout outs are no longer cool. Sorry black people, they’ve ruined another one. When the white female governor of Alaska gives a shout out, it’s no longer cool. And shout outs are not for third graders! They should be reserved for friends, families, and baby’s mamas. You know like your daughter.

Though I was happy to see how proud she is of her diverse family. You must admit, it’ pretty diverse. She has a pregnant daughter and a down syndrome baby.Why you could start a hip-hop group.

And although I really would have wanted a more of a fight from Joe Bidden, I can understand his dilemma. It’s like playing chess against an orangutan. How do you develop a logical strategy. (and not one those smart helper orangutans either; the ones who paint and assist the handicapped. I’m talking about the ones that throw feces at you and attack you for bringing them a birthday cake at the zoo).

There was nothing more aggravating than watching this dummy, do her best to avoid answering questions and look like a clown then turning on the news channels to see people actually having the gall to praise her for her performance.
Am I the only one who can see what an idiot she is? Are the rest of these people blind or just stupid, liars or all of the above. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who can see it, like I’m wearing those sunglasses from “They Live”

Overall, she did much better then I expected. There’s two ways to judge a debate. One, is the expression of ideas, plans, beliefs and facts about your administration, and the other is the bullshit factor. As much as I hate it, the bullshit factor matters.

And now for you view enjoyment, some clips from “They Live”

and the greatest fight scene in movie history

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

2008 Presidential Election fun Fact #5

Some interesting facts about Sarah Palin

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

2008 Presidential Election fun Fact

Hey kids, it's time for e another 2008 Presidential Election Fun fact.

This one is for all my Republican brothas and and sistas out there.

Have You Ever Been Experienced

There’s been a lot of debate in the election about experience; who has more experience, how much experience is enough, how much of that is relevant experience, and how important it is to have “Executive Experience.”
(Ah, “Executive Experience,” my new favorite bullshit term which didn’t exist until about a month when ago Sarah Palin arrived on the scene.)

Let’s cut the shit. Presidential elections aren’t about experience anymore. This thing has been a popularity contest for the last 25 years. People don’t vote on important matters like experience and track record. They vote with their emotions on irrelevant shit like charisma and personality. It’s really no different than high school when the more-qualified straight-A students would run for student council president and have their ass handed to them by the prom queen or the starting quarterback.

Conservatives have known for years that it’s not about issues. Remember how the Republican Party ran the Bush campaign. “Who would you rather have a beer with.” That’s what it’s about. Not “who do you think is more experienced.”
In 2000: “Who would you rather have a beer with: the kooky Tennessee cyborg who claims he invented the internet, or the good old boy from Texas?”
2004: “Who would you rather have a beer with, the monster from the Franken Berry cereal box if he were a New England elitist, or the cowboy Commander-in-Chief who don’t take shit from nobody!

Conservatives are just mad because liberals have someone who might win the popularity contest. Now it’s: “Who would you rather have a beer with, the young, charismatic handsome, rock-star Senator, or the crazy ex-Vietnam veteran with skin lesions.”

Experience is one of those archaic terms people still throw around like it means something. Let’s be honest, most Americans don’t even know the name of their Senator or local congressman until they seem them on the local news running from the court house into their town-car after being indicted for drugs, prostitution, or tax evasion.

When people talk about experience, they’re thinking back to a time when Congressman and Senators used to…you know…do thing things. Look at Hillary Clinton for example. Now she took almost two years away from her job running for President (which in all fairness to her, is now-a-days a full time job). And when it was clear that she had lost, she returned to the Senate and absolutely NOTHING had changed. Nothing. Any job where you can take a fucking year off without anything happening, is not that important.

You know what, I’m glad Obama hasn’t spent 25 years in the Senate. What a shame he couldn’t gain the valuable experience of spending decades raising money for re-election campaigns, being solicited by lobbyists, and having his vote influenced by campaign contributions. What a shame he doesn’t have that experience. It doesn’t matter whether it’s John McCain or anyone else, how much really gets done in the congress by either party.
“I have far more experience than my opponent at accomplishing relatively nothing. My opponent hasn’t spent nearly as much time not fulfilling his campaign promises. The American people deserve a candidate who knows how to talk a big game, but in the end bows down to the pressures of lobbyist and campaign contributors. I am that candidate.”

What does experience matter anyhow? After the last president, is there anyone out there who believes we can do worse? We could literally hold a national lottery where anyone can be president for a week and do better. And I am including in that lottery, illegal aliens who don’t speak English and convicted felons. (And not the nice felons like in the ovies either. I’m talking about the ones that are really crazy. The type that commit ass rape because they find regular rape mundane).

Sometimes I wonder if instead of sending people into voting booths, the Presidential Election wouldn’t work better if we used one of those applause-o-meters, the same way they pick the winner of a spring-break wet t-shirt contest.

Monday, September 22, 2008

If you haven't seen it, it's new to you

Here are some of my newly redone 2008 Election Fun fats that i had previously posted as texts. Enjoy mofos.

Some things you might not know about John McCain

This Date in History

Today's Presidential Election fun fact

Today's Google Search

Hey kids it’s time for the Google Search of the Day!
That’s where we give you the hottest and latest terms being Googled, so you can stay informed.

Today’s key Google phrases to search for are:

"Wall Street", the movie, watch all, not just, "Greed is Good", scene.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Today's Presidential Election fun fact

The 2008 Presidential Election fun fact is brought you by Walmart. Walmart, we do reprehensible things, so we can pass the savings on to you.

Today's fun fact:

This day on History: Sept. 11th.

Did you know that 9/11 happened on September 11, 2001?

That was today's fun fact.

Monday, September 8, 2008

That Speech was Pure Torture

As I tuned into the RNC and watched John McCain give his account of those dark days of his Vietnam imprisonment, I found my self-captivated, and overcome with respect for the man (which was obviously the point). But it made me think back to 4 years ago when another Vietnam Vet. was running for office. I wonder why it is that John Kerry wasn’t treated with the same respect, and awe with which the conservatives seem to carry McCain.

Though not as tragic, Kerry’s story was no less courageous and his service, no less admirable. Did the conservatives choose to acknowledge that while the service of Sen. Kerry is honorable his ideas might not be good for the country’s direction. No, the conservatives somehow deemed it appropriate to attack his service record.

Politics can be a funny world. Sometimes it's just down-right hilarious:

In the world of politics…one Vietnam Vet is a coward and a liar, while the other is Jesus of Phoenix, Arizona.

In the world of politics…Sarah Palin is the family values candidate even though you need an abacus to keep track of her daughter’s illegitimate children.

In the world of politics…it’s ok to call someone else “elitist” when you can’t even remember how many homes you own. (Here’s a clue, when you have to pluralize home, you’re probably the elitist).

In the world of politics…the National Enquire and Us Weekly are doing all the reporting work, while the New York Times sit on its hands.

In the world of politics…you can claim that YOU support the troops even though you’d find more body armor at the Source Awards than in Iraq.

In the world of politics…cheating on your wife is a reprehensible act which should discredit your entire political career and any views you once had. Except when you marry the woman you’re cheating with, and then god’s cool with it.

In the world of politics…the constitution is outdated because it was written pre 9/11, but your religion, based on a book written thousands of years ago, through second hand accounts, translated time and time over, is still relevant as ever.

In the world of politics…it’s ok to claim that you’re the party of change when you’ve been in control for 8 years and we’ve seen more change in Janet Jackson’s waist-line.

In the world of politics…being a senator for only two years isn’t enough experience, but being the Barney Fife of Alaska is.

In the world of politics…you can mess with and ignore the constitution all you want except, when it comes to the second amendment, mostly because if you try, someone will shoot you. Oh, and also for queers. You can change it because you don’t think queers should have the same rights you do.

In the world of politics…you can claim to be the party of fiscal responsibility even though your wife goes onstage to introduce you wearing $36,000 worth of jewelry. (But to be fair, if you break it down, that’s only $1000 for every black Delegate at the convention).

In the world of politics…candidates’ children should be off limit’s to discussion, even when the only people discussing it, are the candidates who keep discussing how candidates’ children should be off limit’s to discussion.

In the world of politics…it’s ok to accuse your opponent of not providing any specifics about how to fix the country, and then giving a speech, in which you provide no specifics about how to fix the country. Instead you can just rely on your old war stories.

Oh, how hilarious!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Google Search of the Day (September 4 2008)

Hey kids it’s time for the Google Search of the Day!
That’s where we give you the hottest and latest terms being Googled, so you can stay informed.

Today’s key Google phrases to search for are:

RNC, Convention, The Economy, bring up, never, ever, ever

Personal Effects

I don’t think that the personal life of a candidate should really matter all that much in a presidential election, especially when it comes to the actions of candidates’ family members. God knows I have a family with a real shitty past. I’m fairly certain that I’m the only member of my family who hasn’t needed a ride home from a police station.

And as a big Bill Clinton supporter for me to judge someone else’s personal life as a reason they can’t govern, well that would be mighty hypocritical …kind of like stressing family values and an abstinence-only lifestyle of waiting for marriage before having sex and then having your unwed daughter get knocked up at 17.

Sarah Palin’s daughter being pregnant, doesn’t make me think anymore or less of her then I do Bill Clinton, John Edwards, John Kennedy, Thomas Jefferson, Franklin Roosevelt, or any of the people who’ve cheated on their wives while serving the public (though I am kind of impressed by FDR, I mean the guy was in a wheel chair).

But what I can’t stand is the bullshit spin that they have to put on it.
“We’re proud of Bristol’s decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents.”

The news of hearing that your daughter, who is not even old enough to vote in the very election she’s fucking up, is unmarried and pregnant, actually makes you proud? You’re happy about it?

Wow, well I guess I wouldn’t know. Alas, I’m a man, and men don’t understand the complexities of mother hood. Sadly, all I can do is imagine the joy that comes from this type of news. Maybe it’s like the pride you’d feel if your husband got fired for being drunk at work? Is it like the happiness that would overtake you if you saw your son robbing a liquor store on the local news? Ooh I know! Maybe it’s like the joy you receive when your father tells the whole family that next year he’s going to Malaysia and when he comes back, you can start calling him “Mom.” That kind of pride?

“Why I can still remember buying her her first training bra three years ago and thinking to myself, ‘Wow, when is she going to get me some grandchildren already. What’s the hold up. Urghh! Come on already, start that baby-maker!’”

Yeah I’m sure the father was even prouder. You work hard, you teach them to color in the lines, and you buy them building blocks. You try so hard, and you hope one day that if you do everything right, they’ll spread their wings, fly away and then have unprotected sex with a with a redneck in the back of an El Camino for less than 30 seconds.

Yeah, you were proud and happy and the reason they carry pregnancy tests at the 24 convenience store is for happy expecting couples who just want to confirm the good news.

But it’s ok folks. The good news is that the young couple will be getting married, so apparently it’s ok by God. Yes marriage, as the conservatives have told us over and over, is a sacred institution, that should be taken seriously and never entered into lightly; you know unless it’s going to fuck up your mother’s election campaign, in which case, bring on the Vegas Elvis impersonators and the shot gun wedding.

But I can see one bright spot for Palin. As a 44 year-old politician, she’s an ok MILF…but I challenge you to find a hotter GILF.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Google Search of the Day (September 1, 2008)

Hey kids it’s time for the Google Search of the Day!
That’s where we give you the hottest and latest terms being Googled, so you can stay informed.

Today’s key Google phrases to search for are:

Bush, Chaney, Visit, Hurricane, three years, New Orleans, too late

Democratic Message in a Bottle:

By now, it’s no secret that Barack Obama’s best trait is his ability to inspire and motivate people through his powerful speeches. As far as supporters are concerned, his speech at the Democratic National Convention certainly lived up to the hype. As far as conservatives are concerned, Obama’s speech conveyed wonderful ideas and flowery, hope-filled rhetoric, but provided no specifics on how he would go about accomplishing his many lofty goals. McCain, of course, will give a closing speech at the end if this week’s Republican convention that will do exactly the same.

But there is something that took place at the DNC that was much bigger than any memorable quotes or any message of unity. What I found most appealing was the new direction of the Democratic Party. In not making this election about Obama vs. McCain, but about Liberalism vs. Conservatism, the Dems. have begun the process of revealing the dirty shame-filled secret that, economically, conservatism is and always has been an abysmal failure.

The sad fact is that most Americas don’t understand the party system or even the basic fundamentals of our three branch government. They blame George W. Bush for the mess our country is in, because he’s the face of the administration. But truth be told, he’s about as responsible for our problems as Brittany Spears is for writing her own awful music. There’s a whole team of people responsible for creating that disaster. Unfortunately, the average person isn’t savvy enough to understand that no man (no matter how brilliant or for that matter how simple) can triumph in victory or fail in defeat without support, i.e. a Republic majority.

I think that all the speeches really stressed that this election is about the party and not the individual; that politics is a team sport and the President just happens to be the captain. When you get to the level of presidential politics, you’re not just voting for some guy you believe you’d get along with if you and the Mrs. went on a double date…you’re voting for control of 1/3 of the government.

It was refreshing to see how many of the speeches didn’t focus on McCain at all, but the GOP. Former President Bill Clinton’s speech in particular hammered the point home (and please save your dirty “hammered” sexual innuendos for the water cooler at work):

THEY took us from record surpluses to an exploding debt.”

THEY actually want us to reward them for the last eight years by giving them four more.”

“Then we saw what would happen to America if the policies THEY had talked about for decades actually were implemented.”

Obama did well to define the direction of his campaign, by not attacking McCain the person, but McCain the member of the Republican Party. In doing so, he summed up how most liberals feel about McCain: he’s a nice guy, but he, like the rest of his party, “just doesn’t get it.” And we as a nation can’t afford to hand over control to a political party that has put our country in a moral and economic crisis EVERY single time they’ve come into power for almost for 30 years. It doesn’t mean that you vote solely on party lines, and it doesn’t mean a person from another party can’t have good ideas. But a man is only as good as the company he keeps. Let’s be honest, McCain keeps pretty shitty company: George Bush, Dick Chaney, Newt Gingrich…Tupac Shakur didn’t run with a group this awful.

At face value, tying McCain to Bush is an easy thing to do as far as political warfare goes. Why wouldn’t you want to associate someone with the least popular president of all time? Mussolini had a higher approval rating (though in all fairness many of those survey cards couldn’t be deciphered, on account of the damage caused by the pitch forks and torches).

But from a second standpoint…it’s fucking TRUE! No matter what the issue, McCain’s votes (if that’s still how we keep records in this country) show that’s he’s been with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time.

“What does it say about your judgment when you think George Bush has been right more than ninety percent of the time?” said Obama. And if that wasn’t enough, “I don't know about you, but I'm not ready to take a ten percent chance on change,” which was followed by fire works, a standing ovation, flowing tears, and pregnant woman’s water breaking.

The war, the environment, education, the economy…where’s the big change from the gun-slinging Washington outsider? The argument that he’s not going to be as awful as the last guy just isn’t good enough. “Well at least my new boyfriend doesn’t beat AND rape me.”

Obama has made the claim that it’s in fact McCain and the rest of the conservatives who have no new ideas. But you have to remember, in all fairness to the conservatives, it’s not like they’ve been in control for the last eight fucking years!

I’m sick of politicians, especially conservatives, attempting prove that they’re not part of the very system which crippled this once robust economy. The “Washington is broken and John McCain knows it,” TV ads are particularly nauseating. Of course you know it; you’re a member of the party that broke it! You were there when it all went down. You’re what we call “an accomplice.” Seeing John McCain attempt to distance himself from Washington is like watching some outsider crash a wedding and trying to be one of the family members.

“Don’t politicians suck? Man, do I hate those Washington fat-cats. Hey, how’s that local sports team doing? You guys like chicks? I know I do. High five!”

Usually I don’t take much solace in these conventions as far as their ability to influence the minds of voters. I think a lot of Americans tune into the coverage accidentally, unaware that that night’s rerun of “Two and a Half Men” has been pre-empted and they’re just too lazy and/or fat, to pick up the remote control. Most people don’t even watch the coverage, and I can’t image that all of those who do, will get the message. After all, swing voters aren’t the people who majored in Political Science; they’re the ones who skipped Social Studies to smoke a joint behind the gym. But when you hear that more people watched Obama’s speech than finale of “American Idol,” it does give you some hope. And as bad as our economy is, at least hope…is free.

The Google Search of the Day (Aug 30, 2008)

Hey kids it’s time for the Google Search of the Day!
That’s where we give you the hottest and latest terms being Googled, so you can stay informed.

Today’s key Google phrases to search for are:

John, McCain, Vice-Presidential, Nominee, Woman, Pandering, Sad

Me Chinese, Me play Joke, Me Have Horrendous Human Right Record

(Re-posted due to tech difficulties)

I love sports. I really do, but never did I think that I would allow myself to be sucked into the glorious hype that is the Olympics. Maybe it was the highlight reels hyping the games weeks in advance, filled with great historical moments from Olympics past: Jesse Owens, Munich, the Black Power fists, Michael Phelps. One way or another, hell had frozen over. As I watched the manly men and even manlier women run, jump, and swim with champion-like caliber, I found it impossible not to notice the Olympics’ ongoing effort to promote sportsmanship, tolerance, peace, and any other ethic you could think of. All commendable values except when you consider the host nation, a place where people drown baby girls.

As much as I love sports, I love reality and perspective more. The Olympic games are about money and always will be. When you decide to go with a country that has the horrendous environmental and human rights record that China does, then please stop trying to shove this peace and harmony nonsense down my throat. Either sell me Big Macs or sell me hope and prosperity, but not both.

But why should any of us have been surprised about China in the first place? Don’t forget, this is the Olympic committee that gave the 1936 games to Hitler’s Germany. It makes you wonder if Bin Laden came up with enough cash, that we wouldn’t be treated to the 2016 Al Qaeda Olympics. I can perhaps give the 1936 committee some benefit of doubt as far as ignorance towards Hitler’s reign. After all, they didn’t have Google yet.

And let’s not forget the bribery scandal of the 1998 Salt Lake City games. The only real surprise there, is that nobody could come up with more bribe money than Salt Lake City. Really? I mean what did they come up with, $37 and some Yankee candles? The corruption within the IOC makes dog fighting look legitimate.

But I’m sure Beijing was different. I’m sure all those newly built and renovated sports facilities constructed in record time, were done so legitimately with only the highest level of codes and safety regulations, and not with the same disregard for human life with which the Chinese have built everything, from electronics to rubber dog crap. The number of dead bodies beneath Beijing National Stadium makes the teamsters who planted Jimmy Hoffa in the Giants’ end zone, look like a bunch of underachievers.

And then the shock at the possibility that Chinese just might have, perhaps, just maybe…a teensie weensie bit…cheated. They put LEAD in our toys! What a shock. I NEVER expected cheating from a nation that imprisons its own people, denies free speech, and oh did I mention…they drown baby girls. Did you really think they were above cheating? If you did, then you’re as naïve as the people who think that “The Hills” is real. Well let’s be fair, you’re as naïve as the people who tune into “The Hills” in the first place.

But America is no less guilty. Let’s be honest, we don’t care any more about those values than China. What we care about is the glory that comes from winning.
Sports is the only the place where Americans seem to care about international competition. That’s the only time we seem to feel any level of pride. The economy, health care, literacy rates…that we don’t care about, but God forbid some Ukrainian steals a gold medal in a sport we didn’t know existed two weeks ago!

But we may not even be able to grasp onto that glory for very much longer as other hungrier nations begin to catch up with our country athletically. So now, in order to keep up we have to create new sports that only we will be able to dominate, like competitive eating. That’s what we’ve done in America, we’ve taken the horrendous habits of our every day lives, and then turned them into a “sport.” America’s two newest sports: competitive eating and gambling. If “Un-paid Child Support” was a sport, then we could really run up that gold medal count. Though the Italians might give us a run for our money in “Domestic Violence,” but never fear, we’ll make up for it in “Not Voting.”

Maybe when we do allow competitive eating in the Olympics, we can regain our dominance, even if it’s because our “athletes” believe the gold medals are filled with chocolate. Sure China, you maybe able to out work us, you maybe able to out smart us, and you may be able to out cheat us, but there’s one thing you just don’t have the enlarged heart for…and that’s eating recreationally.

So much like the Russians and the U.S. in the 80’s, from this point on, I will chose to boycott the Olympics. At least until the 2016 Al Qaeda Olympics, when future competitive eating champion Kevin “the Diabetic” Sullivan, breaks Michael Phelp’s record by winning 9 gold medals in various pie eating contests and then tragically collapsing from a heart attack while trying to climb the one step of the victory podium. Either that or when I get excited by the highlights package of great Winter Olympic moments before Vancouver 2010. I do love hockey.

God Bless America and God bless rubber dog crap.