Me Chinese, Me play Joke, Me Have Horrendous Human Right Record

(Re-posted due to tech difficulties)

I love sports. I really do, but never did I think that I would allow myself to be sucked into the glorious hype that is the Olympics. Maybe it was the highlight reels hyping the games weeks in advance, filled with great historical moments from Olympics past: Jesse Owens, Munich, the Black Power fists, Michael Phelps. One way or another, hell had frozen over. As I watched the manly men and even manlier women run, jump, and swim with champion-like caliber, I found it impossible not to notice the Olympics’ ongoing effort to promote sportsmanship, tolerance, peace, and any other ethic you could think of. All commendable values except when you consider the host nation, a place where people drown baby girls.

As much as I love sports, I love reality and perspective more. The Olympic games are about money and always will be. When you decide to go with a country that has the horrendous environmental and human rights record that China does, then please stop trying to shove this peace and harmony nonsense down my throat. Either sell me Big Macs or sell me hope and prosperity, but not both.

But why should any of us have been surprised about China in the first place? Don’t forget, this is the Olympic committee that gave the 1936 games to Hitler’s Germany. It makes you wonder if Bin Laden came up with enough cash, that we wouldn’t be treated to the 2016 Al Qaeda Olympics. I can perhaps give the 1936 committee some benefit of doubt as far as ignorance towards Hitler’s reign. After all, they didn’t have Google yet.

And let’s not forget the bribery scandal of the 1998 Salt Lake City games. The only real surprise there, is that nobody could come up with more bribe money than Salt Lake City. Really? I mean what did they come up with, $37 and some Yankee candles? The corruption within the IOC makes dog fighting look legitimate.

But I’m sure Beijing was different. I’m sure all those newly built and renovated sports facilities constructed in record time, were done so legitimately with only the highest level of codes and safety regulations, and not with the same disregard for human life with which the Chinese have built everything, from electronics to rubber dog crap. The number of dead bodies beneath Beijing National Stadium makes the teamsters who planted Jimmy Hoffa in the Giants’ end zone, look like a bunch of underachievers.

And then the shock at the possibility that Chinese just might have, perhaps, just maybe…a teensie weensie bit…cheated. They put LEAD in our toys! What a shock. I NEVER expected cheating from a nation that imprisons its own people, denies free speech, and oh did I mention…they drown baby girls. Did you really think they were above cheating? If you did, then you’re as naïve as the people who think that “The Hills” is real. Well let’s be fair, you’re as naïve as the people who tune into “The Hills” in the first place.

But America is no less guilty. Let’s be honest, we don’t care any more about those values than China. What we care about is the glory that comes from winning.
Sports is the only the place where Americans seem to care about international competition. That’s the only time we seem to feel any level of pride. The economy, health care, literacy rates…that we don’t care about, but God forbid some Ukrainian steals a gold medal in a sport we didn’t know existed two weeks ago!

But we may not even be able to grasp onto that glory for very much longer as other hungrier nations begin to catch up with our country athletically. So now, in order to keep up we have to create new sports that only we will be able to dominate, like competitive eating. That’s what we’ve done in America, we’ve taken the horrendous habits of our every day lives, and then turned them into a “sport.” America’s two newest sports: competitive eating and gambling. If “Un-paid Child Support” was a sport, then we could really run up that gold medal count. Though the Italians might give us a run for our money in “Domestic Violence,” but never fear, we’ll make up for it in “Not Voting.”

Maybe when we do allow competitive eating in the Olympics, we can regain our dominance, even if it’s because our “athletes” believe the gold medals are filled with chocolate. Sure China, you maybe able to out work us, you maybe able to out smart us, and you may be able to out cheat us, but there’s one thing you just don’t have the enlarged heart for…and that’s eating recreationally.

So much like the Russians and the U.S. in the 80’s, from this point on, I will chose to boycott the Olympics. At least until the 2016 Al Qaeda Olympics, when future competitive eating champion Kevin “the Diabetic” Sullivan, breaks Michael Phelp’s record by winning 9 gold medals in various pie eating contests and then tragically collapsing from a heart attack while trying to climb the one step of the victory podium. Either that or when I get excited by the highlights package of great Winter Olympic moments before Vancouver 2010. I do love hockey.

God Bless America and God bless rubber dog crap.